VBB 397: The Bitch Paradox at the Heart of Womanhood!

Intro [00:00:01 - 00:00:19]

Virgin Beauty Bitch Podcast, inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique life experiences without fear of being defiantly different. Your hosts, Christopher and Heather. Let's talk, shall we?

Christopher [00:00:20 - 00:01:15]

Have you ever found yourself caught in a paradox? You know, damned if you do, and damned if you do? Or is it damned if you do, damned if you don't? The paradox is that both can be true, but it's absolutely insidious when a paradox becomes formalized, institutionalized, and even normalized. So normalized that the paradox is simply accepted as fate. Bitch has been made a woman's fate. Or is it a paradox? That's what Heather and I are going to explore today. But first, I want to give an abbreviated definition of a paradox, which is an idea that seems, well, self-contradictory, but somehow reveals an underlying truth.

Christopher [00:01:17 - 00:02:04]

Here's a couple of examples. Less is more? How about, the only constant is change? Or, cruel to be kind? For example, is it not kind to encourage women to be confident, bold, expressive, self-respecting, and empowered? And then, is it not cruel then to judge Shame and call women bitches for their boldness, confidence, honesty, and for setting boundaries that just happen to make others feel uncomfortable. Therein lies the paradox which Heather and I refer to as the bitch paradox. What do you think?

Heather [00:02:04 - 00:02:39]

Oh, you know, I think, to all my women out there who are listening in. It feels so true to so many aspects of womanhood that you're expected to be pretty, but not too pretty, bold, but don't overly share, be a great mom, but also be a businesswoman. Our lives are in this constant flux and in this constant paradox. So I think with this year being a year where we've explored the bitch, to dive into her paradox specifically is something I'm looking forward to today.

Christopher [00:02:40 - 00:03:22]

I wonder how many women even recognize that as a paradox, or they live it. They may feel it, they may resent it, they may have some sort of strong emotion against being encouraged to do one thing and then being chastised for doing that exact same thing, or cut down for trying to better themselves or their situation. I'm sure it's felt, but do you think it's even thought of in the context of, hey, wait a second, there's something not right here. There's a paradox going on with what I'm expected and what I'm encouraged to do or allowed to do.

Heather [00:03:23 - 00:04:53]

I think when it comes to intergenerational grooming that women have endured, it can be so easy to, I don't know, embrace or internalize the grooming that's happened to you since you were a small girl. And, you know, something Christopher and I have explored here is previous generations, and still to this day, if you're not a woman who stays quiet, obedient, performative, there are very real consequences and sometimes, you know, severe consequences when you step out of line for what your expectations are. So, you know, I think here, you know, where Christopher and I are in North America, there seems to be, to me, a huge change that's come in women's awareness of the double standard, you know, being able to exude the same quality between different genders and be classified in a completely different way. But, you know, I also wanna do a little shout-out for the generations of women who refused to go quietly, right? And stay obedient or perform happiness, pretend to be nice, 'cause inch by inch, women who have been perhaps not noticing the paradox itself, but realizing the injustices, or in the double standard, if you will, I think that they've edged towards the understanding of, of the bitch paradox, maybe organically. However, we're all on our own journey.

Christopher [00:04:53 - 00:05:59]

Yeah, I think the issue is that sometimes we may have gotten beaten down so much in a certain area of our life that we're just not going to take it anymore. So we boldly set out to be the opposite of what is expected of us, or at least ourselves, in that sense. But there are situations where you are in a situation where others have power over you, and that power then determines the latitude you have in your behaviour. So you may have dulled that influence in your personal life, but at work, you know, you're still having to, you know, bow down to the powers that be in order to maintain, you know, a reputation that is acceptable. So I don't know that we are able to differentiate always the different segments of our lives where this paradox is still maybe alive and damaging.

Heather [00:05:59 - 00:07:33]

And I, you know, just to kind of really pull what you're saying into different parts, you know, something that we've been exploring this year is that, you know, what if the qualities that have historically earned women the label of bitch are actually the qualities that we should be encouraging? And I think I want to come back to the basics that I want to establish something like right from the beginning that even within the bitch, we've talked about different layers, different concepts of the word. And you know, there is one narrative around the bitch that is someone who is cruel, disrespectful, deliberately hurtful. And that's not the bitch that we're talking about right now, although we understand that that is one of the elements that she gets painted with. What Christopher and I are talking about is the fire or the life or the desire within you to truly be authentic to yourself, to stand on your own 2 feet and be able to be discerning with your own agency. You know, easier said than done. As you said, Christopher, sometimes you can make gains in your personal life or with your family and still very much feel within a rigid box in your professional life or in other layers of your extracurricular life. But that's something important to me too in The Bitch Paradox is really looking within bitch. There are so many initial reactions and then, of course, deeper layers beneath those.

Christopher [00:07:33 - 00:08:17]

Yeah, I think the hard part is, for women needing to avoid this label, the lengths they must go through in behaviour correction, behaviour modification, right, in order to avoid people painting them with this word. And how do you, how do you find yourself after living for so long trying to avoid this reputation or this tag or brand, do you ever have the opportunity to actually find out who you truly are outside of this performance that you have to give in order to be accepted or promoted or loved, whatever it might be?

Heather [00:08:18 - 00:09:50]

Yeah, uh, you know, when it comes to, um, everything from the out— like on the surface, right? So whether it's how we look, how much money is invested in maintaining a certain appeal or appearance, and then coupling that with what's expected of you in certain circumstances. I think that for us, the examination of the bitch, there's an important distinction that I've found because we're not trying to get into celebrating those aspects that I just highlighted, but it's learning, just as you mentioned, Christopher, really paying attention to those moments in your life where you've learned to soften your language or apologize for saying no or making a request or feeling like you need to smile just to make someone feel less uncomfortable. And I think even for some of, like, the women in my life and many other women who I think have made a lot of gains in trying to, like, break free from these societal prescriptions, if you will, that those subtleties are still so present and almost like a default system, like we're programmed with them. And so, you know, that's something that I've been trying to notice in my life this year: those subtle moments where I tune back, or back down or, yeah, don't shine in my full brilliance and my full light.

Christopher [00:09:51 - 00:09:58]

What does that feel like? What does that feel like the moment you discovered that about yourself? You've said, ah, ugh.

Heather [00:10:00 - 00:10:59]

I actually, I saw an awesome quote, and I feel like it always, lately I've been coming back to this, is you get in life what you have the courage to ask for. And that's, you know, of course, very simplified. There are so many other things to consider. But to me, like, that speaks to me in some of the ways that I haven’t, like, pushed myself or been ready to ask for, you know, what I truly want. Like, I, I hear a lot of women today talking about, you know, being specific about what you want, right? Not, uh, just expecting your partner to know, or, you know, feeling frustrated and even, like, you know, angry when you see other people moving ahead around you but you're— you feel stuck. And sometimes it can be hard to look at, like, yes, there are systems around us that are keeping us sometimes from moving forward, but what can I be doing in my own thought patterns that would push me, right? Push me to, uh, to move past my initial programming.

Christopher [00:11:00 - 00:11:43]

I mean, that's what these conversations that Heather and I have been having all year is about. It's about— basically, it's about awareness. I mean, I think that each individual person knows when they are not able to meet their potential, what it is that they know they either want or they know they can achieve. However, their conditioning, the way that they have been taught to behave, limits their ability to reach whatever goal it is they believe they can actually reach for. And it becomes this autopilot thing. It's like, it's like walking against the wind in a hurricane. It's like, you know, you can go further than this, but something invisible is keeping you from reaching it. Like, what is that thing?

Heather [00:11:55 - 00:12:04]

And I'll tell you, it is a mighty strong wind. I'll tell you that right now. You can't see it all the time, but damn, it's blowing your hair around, and it's tossing you around.

Christopher [00:12:06 - 00:12:34]

And you're trying to make those steps forward. But something you've been conditioned with, something you've been taught about how you should be and behave and how people should see you and accept you, that's the wind keeping you from moving forward. Because the minute that you feel that you can turn sideways and go forward a little bit, you feel guilty for it. Because you're not supposed to push against this thing holding you back. Right. Paradox.

Heather [00:12:34 - 00:13:49]

Indeed. Another one, you know, that's been on my mind when I think about the paradox within the bitch, but also as a woman, is there's a lot around in our programming that makes us want to be agreeable, right? Or kind of, uh, neutralize a conflict. And I can imagine that from a survival mode, that was a very important skill to learn over the many generations. And that's one that I find particularly still interesting for women is how to disagree without appearing disagreeable. And of course, there are a couple of problems within that sentence, in that it's okay to be disagreeable as step number one. But, you know, something Christopher and I have explored as well is the very real context where if you're constantly perceived as disagreeable, it can make your life very challenging, right? That people are constantly wanting to kind of push that. So, you know, Christopher and I can certainly appreciate the realities that make these steps so challenging. And another thing that I've been reading on lately that I found really helpful for my personal journey was around disappointment.

Heather [00:13:50 - 00:14:41]

And I think a lot of women continue to, I don't know, like fire on all cylinders and be the amazing wife and mother and, you know, business person and sister and daughter-in-law. And, you know, the list never ends. And because we, I think, you know, there's in humanity, right, we care about the people around us, and we want to be able to, to help and be what they need. But I think part of what keeps women so well groomed is really like a piece of it being not wanting to disappoint people. And, you know, I've encouraged people to get a little bit more comfortable with what it means to disappoint someone if their expectations of you, you know, are not, are not equal, right? Are not a give-and-take that they're also like replenishing back into your dreams, your desires, your ambitions.

Christopher [00:14:41 - 00:14:59]

Here's what I'm thinking. There is a point where, for women, your quality of life, even your survival, depended on your ability to adapt to someone else's expectations of you. Your husband.

Heather [00:14:59 - 00:15:00]

Dun dun dun.

Christopher [00:15:00 - 00:15:51]

Right? Right? And that's, that's, that is a fine skill that women have honed for centuries, generations. How do you break that conditioned training that your gender has fine-tuned to actually disappoint This person, even though you no longer need that person necessarily for your survival, the ingrained conditioning to not disappoint that person or these people, it's something that you're like a fine-tuned engine. You know when it's going sideways immediately. Yes. Right.

Heather [00:15:51 - 00:15:55]

Like a fine-tuned engine for someone else. Yeah.

Christopher [00:15:55 - 00:16:25]

Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. So I, I understand how difficult this is, not only to change but to even recognize, because it's so ingrained; it's been passed on over so many generations. It's really, really, really difficult to really see it for what it is, and not for something completely different, which is my survival, my love. If I disappoint, I'll lose this person's love.

Heather [00:16:26 - 00:18:11]

Ah, yeah, yeah, that's a very, that's a very real feeling. I think, you know, what gives me hope on that is that women. I'm seeing women really, like, recentering themselves as the main character of their own story. And, you know, that just makes me so happy to see, right? Like, I think that's how we break apart the fine-tuning, if you will, of the machine and, and, you know, create and, and build back our, our own, truly our own identity, which is one of the letters in bitch that Christopher and I have been exploring this year, you know? And, and for me, like, what comes with identity is also, like, you know, understanding my boundaries, my own ambition, like being able to have my own livelihood, being under— to understand my own sexuality for myself, not for someone else, my anger and how important it is to fuel what I know is right and wrong. They can feel like radical acts. And I think that what's interesting for me is that even with all of the many pieces of hard work that it's been to kind of deprogram my own life that, yeah, some of the subtleties remain ever strong. So it's really trying to be curious and bring awareness to those moments rather than berate myself, because I find that it's very easy for women to go back into a, well, oh my gosh, I've thought I made so much progress on this. How am I taking 10 steps back? I've noticed, at least in my life, that berating myself didn't get me anywhere. It actually put me back into autopilot.

Christopher [00:18:12 - 00:19:03]

Yeah. Again, I wonder what percentage of women have come to that self-identity of understanding there's a paradox I'm living here. This is just not fully me. I wonder how many women have the opportunity or have had the opportunity to explore that, to actually be aware of that. But I want to take a second; I want to take every woman listening to this, I want to take them back to being a little girl. And it won't be the same for everyone, but a lot of little girls have a lot of freaking power. Like, you can do, for the most part, especially the men in your lives- your father, your uncles- you can do no wrong. You're just adored for being this little girl that is mouthy, that is whatever she wants to be.

Christopher [00:19:04 - 00:19:38]

And everyone accepts, you know, eventually it's conditioned out of her. But think back to that time when you had that kind of freedom, flexibility, and complete control to be who you are. That's the person that we want to bring women's awareness to. Are you still that little girl? Can you still be what that little girl was? Can you still act the way that little girl was? With awareness, of course. You're not going to, like, throw tantrums in the middle of the boardroom. Come on,

Heather [00:19:38 - 00:19:42]

that sounds fun. Now that's entertaining.

Christopher [00:19:46 - 00:20:38]

But there are aspects of that little girl you had that were trained out of you—that you had to drop or leave somewhere in your psyche that isn’t welcome. It's about reconnecting to that part of yourself and giving that some breathing room to be who you are today. That's what we're talking about here when we say the bitch. We're talking about that little identity you had that you had to, um, alter. You had to tame. Right. All right. But there are aspects of that identity that now, unfortunately, you need in your life to actually go where you want to go, be who you want to be, accomplish what you want to accomplish.

Christopher [00:20:38 - 00:20:43]

That's what we call the bitch. B-I-T-C-H. That's what we're talking about.

Heather [00:20:44 - 00:22:11]

Yeah. You know, I just think for so many people, you know, regardless of gender, when they're 2 years old, no is your favourite word, right? Like, It's so easy. It's so easy. I don't want that, you know, like, no. Um, and so, you know, I, I appreciate you saying that because it's, uh, kind of going back to the basics can sometimes feel like silly or infantilizing, but there, there are some things that come with that stage of life that are, are really important. But I think you touched on something else that is part of the grooming that women go through since childhood is that adoration of their dad or of their uncle or other family members for being cute, for being— perhaps for being sassy. But I think that, like, there's an element of that adoration that really becomes like, how do I continue to get that kind of attention? And yeah, it's— I feel that, uh, obviously we all need, like, you know, love and attention in our lives, but oh, does it ever feel good to do things as you age and mature that truly, like, validate yourself and take the power away from other people's affection being, like, the, the only way to love yourself.

Christopher [00:22:12 - 00:22:58]

And that is a very, very strong distinction of the bitch we talk about. It is giving yourself permission to be, regardless of what others may— how they may respond to you being fully, truly you. And having the self-respect that you deserve, but giving it to yourself before anyone else even enters the picture, is having that in place. That's what we're talking about when we talk about our bitch and how we see the word as a powerful identity for anyone who chooses, or any woman who chooses, to look into that further. And that's what Heather and I are building: how do you, once you've made the identification, once you've had the awareness, where do you go from there?

Heather [00:22:59 - 00:22:59]

Yes.

Christopher [00:23:00 - 00:23:12]

As Edie Nathan said to us many, many years ago, women need to learn to be better bitches. And that's been a driving force for Heather and me since we heard those words.

Heather [00:23:13 - 00:24:08]

Oh gosh, I just adore her, uh, so much. And, you know, I still feel like even in today's world where bitch is used a lot more commonly in pop culture, and to me it's taken some of the edge off that word, a word that genuinely used to really hurt me and bother me. And of course, in certain contexts it still does. But what I find to be a powerful point is what's kind of remaining to be steady when people don't want to be called a bitch. I mean, the power of that word, to want so desperately to not be called that word or be seen that way, so you act your life out in a different way because of the power of that word. It just really hits home for me on that, you know, that part of that exists because not everybody benefits from your growth. A lot of people can benefit from your uncertainty, and your willingness to accommodate.

Heather [00:24:08 - 00:24:47]

And they want you to remain malleable because they get things out of you when you're in that state. So for the women out there who have heard some of the podcasts from this year, and perhaps you've done a lot of internal self-work over the years, but you're still feeling like it's a bit of a constellation and you want some support to connect the dots, That's exactly what Christopher and I are working on with the BITCH program. And B.I.T.C.H., what we can learn from each one of those letters to help, yeah, make that constellation come together for you and others in community.

Christopher [00:24:48 - 00:25:28]

And paradox is a starting point. It's just a way of awareness. It is just a point of awareness of where you are, how you got to where you are, and if there are any inner truths that are knocking on your heart to get out- that is, that you know is your potential- how do you, how do you release that without, again, this fear of being seen as or called out as this dehumanized woman? Like, that is a giant step to take if you've been conditioned to always be agreeable. To always be supportive, to always put yourself last, basically. How do you make that step?

Heather [00:25:29 - 00:25:53]

Yeah, especially when it makes some of your family uncomfortable, that they're not used to this version of you. So there's going to be some pushback. So, you know, I think having close friends or other people in community who are trying to take the same steps as you, and you can talk through it with them about how they respond to the pushback. I think that's very motivating. I think that's what women can do for each other.

Christopher [00:25:53 - 00:26:43]

And that was what exactly Heather and I will be building as we move forward. I keep listening and keep tuning in because we're very close to unveiling what it is we have been creating now for several years, but in a very, very focused way for the past year, in building something that will be a platform women can come to. For that self, you know, that awareness, number one, is the first step. And then the growth that follows that, that is what we've been piecing together for the last year, having these specific conversations about B-I-T-C-H and what that can mean to every single woman who is listening to this and wants more for herself, her life, her situation. That's what it is we're working on.

Heather [00:26:43 - 00:26:44]

Can't wait.

Christopher [00:26:44 - 00:26:55]

So bring yourself back and, um, stay tuned because it's going to be dropping very soon. And you have been listening to

Heather [00:26:56 - 00:26:56]

The Virgin,

Christopher [00:26:57 - 00:26:57]

The Beauty,

Heather [00:26:57 - 00:27:00]

and the B.I.T.C.H in her year

Christopher [00:27:01 - 00:27:34]

2026.

Find us, like us, share us, and do tune in. Come on back and bring your girlfriends with you.

Heather

Ow!

Christopher

To become a partner in the VBB community, we invite you to find us at virginbeautybitch.com. Like us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, and share us with people who are defiantly different like you. Until next time, thanks for listening.