VBB 392 Nikki: The Connection Coach On Sex, Intimacy & AI.

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Virgin.

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Beauty.

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Bitch.

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Podcast.

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Inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique life experiences without fear

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of being defiantly different.

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Your hosts.

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Christopher and Heather.

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Let's talk, shall we?

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Intimacy.

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I believe it is critical to living a happy, healthy life.

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Intimacy creates a sense of safety through mutual trust.

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It reduces loneliness, which supports our mental health.

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It encourages deeper communication and discovery.

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But let's not forget and let's not overlook that sometimes intimacy just feels good.

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We're going to get into all of it with certified life coach Nikki also known as the connection coach.

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Welcome, Nikki, to Virgin, Beauty, Bitch.

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Thank you.

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Now Nikki, I have to apologize my partner Heather who's always at my side.

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She's under the weather today, but as they say in Hollywood, the show must go on, right?

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So throughout the year, we've been exploring themes based on our acronym B.I.T.C.H.,

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Betrayal, Identity, Trust, Change, and Healing.

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We've discovered that through hundreds of conversations with women over the years.

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And it reveal itself as a path to women's self-empowerment and growth.

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Interestingly enough, intimacy is key to all five steps in our process.

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But I would like to focus most on identity, which is a skill I believe we learn as backwards.

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I once thought intimacy was based solely on our ability to connect with other human beings.

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But life reminded me and reminds us often with very hard lessons that our first intimate partner

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must be the person we see in the mirror, our identity.

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Is that an accurate observation or is that just me?

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I think that that is absolutely accurate.

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One of the foundational aspects of my coaching program is the idea that you have to gain self-awareness

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and from that self-acceptance before you can be intimate with someone else.

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You can't connect with someone else until you know yourself and are connected to yourself.

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So absolutely, I agree with that.

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Why don't we know that at the beginning?

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Why do we have to learn that in the hard way?

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I think a lot of it has to do with sort of how our society functions.

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And it seems really backwards, right?

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Because we're a very individualistic society.

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You think that the focus would be on ourselves.

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But I think a lot of it is really focused on how we appear to others.

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It's not focused on learning ourselves and truly understanding who we are and how we are.

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It's about presentation.

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And so I think that that leads to a lot of the kind of confusion or backwardness there.

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So your own personal story, how did you come to this discovery?

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How did you come to this awareness that you had to go inside before you can actually live outside?

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Absolutely.

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So when I was a kid, I was a big people pleaser.

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I was very anxious and my main focus was keeping everyone all surrounding me happy

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because that was the only way I had to regulate myself.

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Don't upset other people and things will be okay.

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And it didn't work very well.

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But I was not very angry.

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It went from being painful to have to always suppress myself and my wants and needs to be very angry.

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And for a long time, I was angry in numb, I would say.

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I was as probably close to a decade now when I was about 24, 25.

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I came to the realization while I was in a very abusive relationship that no matter what I did,

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particularly with this other person, I couldn't control other people or make them happy.

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And so I had to focus on myself because there was so much unpredictability in that relationship

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that I had no control no matter how much people pleasing I did.

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It's interesting that the first letter in our acronym, B," is for Betrayal.

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And I think a lot of people think of betrayal as someone betraying them or letting them down or whatever.

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However, reading into what I think I just heard you say is you ended up betraying yourself

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and the things that you would do that weren't necessarily congruent with what you wanted.

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Yes, 100%. It was my identity disappeared, which I think is a huge form of betrayal.

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When we lose ourselves, we don't even recognize ourselves. And everything that I was became just trying to appease this other person.

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And so yeah, I 100% betrayed myself. I didn't even know who I wanted to be anymore, I would say.

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Tell me about that because I find identity a very fascinating word. It is so layered. It's like an onion. There's an outer thing that we know as an in-in.

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But once you go inside, it seems to go on forever. What is your perspective on what is identity just without becoming a philosopher of identity?

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Yeah, you know, I originally was going to school for a philosophy, so definitely have to try to stay away from the philosophizing too much.

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I would say that identity basically is who we are, how we see ourselves, and how we then interact with the world,

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and how we are founded in that, and how we believe that we are in the museum ourselves.

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How much of who we are is actually us, as opposed to our upbringing, our culture, things that we have been instilled as beliefs.

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How do we differentiate that from actually knowing who we actually are?

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I would say that often pain is something that can bring about that sort of understanding or realization.

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When everything else is sort of torn away and you get down to that really core, like when everything else is kind of taken or you're sort of laid bare, like what is the core of who you are, what's left?

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And so I think pain can be part of the journey to identifying that.

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So people that you work with, I presume they probably come to you in that state of I have nowhere else to go.

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How do you lead them back out of that dark space?

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I think that even before getting to self-awareness, it's coming to the ability to want to look at yourself in the mirror without a mask.

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I guess I would say part of the sort of pain aspect of it is it has to hurt so much to be in disguise that you want to take off that mask and look at yourself face on.

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That sounds very scary.

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Oh yeah, yeah, no. I think it's terrifying.

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But necessary?

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To have a fulfilling joyful life. Yes, I do think that taking away all of that disguise that we put on is necessary.

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Are people who you work with before they come to you, before they come to you in that state of pain?

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Are they even aware of their situation, their status, or are they like sleepwalking through life?

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You know, some are aware.

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I think that, you know, it really depends kind of how far they are into that pain.

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In the beginning, I think a lot of times people think it's something wrong with the world.

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And then as that progresses, you start to realize I need to change how I interact with myself and with the world. The world can't fix this for me.

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So, like I think a lot of people think that happiness comes from the vacation by the pool with, you know, a drink in hand and beautiful sunsets.

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But I think we're discovering here now that it typically comes when you're in the darkest place in your life.

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I would say that, like, it's almost like the phoenix analogy, you know, from the ashes, something better rises.

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Now, one of the things that fascinated me about you was you play with identity.

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Like, just seeing your images on your webpage. How do that come about? And who are these identities that you bring forward, not just one?

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Yeah, I would say that in different sort of aspects of my life, I've been different people.

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And I think that all of those can be valid when they're really a part of yourself.

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But when they're only performed, that's when it becomes a problem.

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So, I would say, you know, I have a lot of different people inside me, you know, someone that's interested in philosophy and someone that can be very assertive and someone that likes to feel safe and, you know, very feminine.

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They're all sort of different aspects of my character.

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Very fascinating to me in that, I think, unfortunately, the way the world has positioned women and the things that they are presumed to make important to themselves, as you say, the performative part of what feminine in the world is that that becomes the identity they focus on or the identity they want to connect with and become.

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And getting all the different aspects of themselves that are so interesting.

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Absolutely. Speaking of which, I'm going to take those off because they're diving in crazy.

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Just to cover eyelashes for those who are just listening to this.

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The mask is coming off.

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Is that a ritual? Is that a ritual for you?

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Right on screen, we're just stripping away the mask here.

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But the ritual for you is putting on that persona?

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You know, I wouldn't say it's so much a persona with that as when I look in the mirror and I feel like I look good, I approach the world very differently.

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Like if I go to the grocery store and I feel like I look good that day, if people are looking at me, I think, oh, it's because they think I look nice. And if I'm not feeling confident that day, I think, oh, do I have something on my face?

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You know, why are they looking at me?

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So it's more of, I would say, a confidence thing for me and being able to go out into the world and interpret things in a more positive way versus, you know, when you're feeling self-conscious or uncomfortable.

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That opens up so many avenues to explore is so if you go, if you go outside your door and you're not feeling confident in the way you look, that changes your perspective on how you see others making judgment about you.

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How I see them seeing me, I would say.

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How does that affect you when you believe they're not seeing you in the greatest light?

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I think it's not so much that it's like the individual like, oh, this person is like looking at me maybe because I have a state on my shirt or whatever.

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As it's just I approach everything feeling less comfortable and less confident. So my whole experience throughout the day when I'm not feeling good in my own skin is very different, distinctly different from when I'm feeling comfortable and at home in my body.

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I guess my point is that I think unfortunately a lot of people judge themselves through that lens as opposed to accepting where they are and just being where they're at.

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Like they like judge themselves and they you know, criticize themselves. It becomes a self-critical cycle.

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Oh, absolutely because you know, it's really not that people are probably even noticing me at all. I think it's very much in my head.

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You know, I don't think that it's a reflection of the outside world so much as it's a reflection of my internal world and my feelings about myself that are being reflected out onto the world.

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But inevitably you're okay with who you are. For the most part, yeah, most days I am.

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You don't run home, which I couldn't say for a long time. So yeah, yeah, definitely for many years I was not happy with myself or who I was comfortable.

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What was that journey like for you coming out of that space and finding who Nikki actually is?

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I think when you've been sort of programmed to people please and then you stop people pleasing and almost go the other direction where it's like well I'm going to do whatever I can to piss you off because I can't keep you happy anyway.

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You don't necessarily even how do I say this the right way like you don't really feel so much from yourself as you're reactive, you know.

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And so even before like getting to the place of feeling comfortable I had to be able to just like identify what am I even feeling and try to figure out why when I wasn't reacting to other people's expectations.

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Whether trying to please them or trying to piss them off I had to figure out what's going on with me before I could actually get to a place that we've been living that if that makes sense.

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So we play with the word bitch and we see it not as the traditional way that the world has used it to denigrate women.

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But as an authenticity within each woman to be authentically herself and that is going to piss people off when they stop people pleasing.

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Have you run into that yourself?

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Oh yeah absolutely I think that when you don't conform to that if you don't conform to that people pleasing I guess if you are assertive and stand up for yourself and set boundaries and know yourself and you know advocate for yourself then when you do that people will call you a bitch a lot of times.

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As a like you said a way to sort of put down or like repress that like if you know yourself and live authentically you are cruel or all of those things that go along with the word bitch.

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How do you look at that word from where you are today?

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I would say like one of my favorite things is the female rappers who have sort of reclaimed that word with like the whole bad bitch thing you know like it's it can be an empowering identity and I would say when I hear that word it sort of makes me smile inside and you know like you ruffled someone's feathers a little bit.

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So I would see it almost as probably a positive thing you know when when someone uses that word it's like well like I've got you you thinking or you know it goes against the grain and I think that that can be a really good healthy thing.

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So it's a powerful you know and the power when others they kind of use it to try and bring you back to where they think you should be.

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Right yes like put you in your place you know yeah absolutely.

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So you have you've created quite a bit like your writer you've done a lot of things can you talk us through some of the things that you're working on and what you've been creating.

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Yeah absolutely so I mostly focus on relationship and intimacy coaching I was a massage therapist for many years and like I mentioned originally my background was in philosophy so what I do is very grounded in like awareness of the body and that we told stress and trauma and then bring in sort of my philosophy on life.

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And then during COVID my the place that I was working doing massage shut down and I was going to see people in their homes and I realized that a lot of these people really just needed a place to talk and vent and they wanted that they wanted to be seen and heard and accepted for that far more than they even needed the physical relief and.

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So I saw especially with men that were professionally successful there was sort of this really painful achievement gap for them where they did really well at work and then they came home and they just were lost and I always say like men are coached on everything like business fitness finances boards but most men aren't taught the skills to develop intimacy and.

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I think that there's a need a huge need for that and so I wanted to like address that and help those people that were having to just white knuckle it every day and weren't allowed to say like I'm hurting and like I need some help that were just out there doing what they were supposed to do and they.

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Couldn't ever get a break from that they didn't even know how to communicate that they might need a break from that even with themselves a lot of the time so I do one on one coaching but I wanted to scale that so that more people could have access and with the whole AI thing that's going on I think a lot of people are more comfortable even talking with AI then.

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With a real human and so for a lot of these people that is an access point that reduces the difficulty of going in and talking to someone one on one face to face so I built the intimacy or the connection coach which is based on my intimacy coaching and my workbook says the mean thing I've been doing recently and then I also have been working on something called the intimacy archives which is.

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Hopefully just an encyclopedia of knowledge where people can go on their own and privately research learned the things that they have questions about that they may be uncomfortable bringing to a real person.

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It sounds almost counterintuitive to build intimacy through artificial intelligence.

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Absolutely I think that it definitely does feel that way I think that it's really interesting that so many people are going to AI for actual relationships not even just for help with them.

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I think that says something about where we are as a society that a lot of people feel very alone to the point that they can connect more easily with a computer than with a human and so the goal with this is to use something that people are comfortable with to facilitate them being able to get that real connection with other humans instead of just retreating and shutting down or even going to AI to get that relationship.

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So AI becomes the intermediary between where they are and hopefully developing the skills that to actually connect to another human being.

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Right exactly.

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Fascinating. Is there an intimacy gap between women and men you have you found?

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Of course with every individual you know people are all different but overall generally speaking I would say that yes it's like just like we were talking about with the bitch being a put down for women you know you're a hard woman or you're cold or whatever.

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For men you know it's almost the opposite where like if you are emotionally intelligent and kind your look that sort of as weak or not manly so I think right from the start men are at a little bit of a disadvantage with how society approaches them with regards to all that stuff.

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I agree with you 100% on that. I wonder what has in your mind in your philosophy mind what has made the shift where men are now or you're finding probably more men open to that side of who they actually are the breath of what they can actually be what's changed in from John Wayne.

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Right yes. You know I would say that technology has played a huge role in that just the ability to connect with other people and realize you're not the only one.

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You're not the only one who's hurting you're not weird and you don't have to hide it that it's okay and normal I think so many people have sort of found their family or you know they're tried through the internet and I think that that's one of the greatest things about technology is just the ability to facilitate that for people where they go it's okay.

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It's okay to feel this way and there's other people to do too.

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When did you find that you had this universal compassion for humanity?

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You know it was probably at really one of my lowest points towards the very end of the relationship I mentioned earlier and it came hand in hand with an empathy and a compassion for myself that I had not had before.

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It was it sort of encompassed the world and myself and for a long time I had tried to shut other people out and I had been very cold to myself as well I think so they sort of empathy and self love came at the same time I would say.

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Because for a lot of people that can spin out of control into a lot of anger and hatred and just not connecting to anything around them.

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When you get to that fork in the road you can go either way. What tip to you to actually find empathy for yourself and love for yourself and not go the other way?

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I never really talk about this because it sounds a little crazy but I had an experience where I just felt this sort of all encompassing love that there is something I don't know what it is but bigger than us but also the we're part of that wishes some some kind of good on everyone.

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It was the connection to that that made me feel like I don't want to say the pain of all people but but the but feel empathy and compassion for all of the suffering that has been inism and will be but also strong desire for everyone to be able to experience joy and fulfillment in their life as well.

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You ever sit in a still space and let that wash over you how powerful that is?

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Not as much as I would like to. It's a very overwhelming feeling but I always feel rounded after I do connect with that.

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It's a very powerful thing I would say.

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Thank you for sharing that I can just in your voice I can hear how important and meaningful that is to you and it's interesting that you almost want to apologize for it but why?

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I think it's not something that I talk about a lot and I sort of am never sure like what is the place for this?

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Like I don't want to spout my personal beliefs at other people especially because I do feel like really strongly and so like especially in my coaching like I don't want to be trying to convert people to my personal spirit.

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I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or like disconnect with someone before we get a chance to get connected because we have different ways of doing this.

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Thank you for sharing that we've just met we just know each other through this conversation I feel truly honored that you would share that with.

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Thank you for sharing that with me.

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Thank you for sharing that with me and I'm falling in love with Nikki and I'd like to connect with Nikki and work with Nikki how do I go by doing that?

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I would like to do all of my other stuff there to the intimacy archives which is the sort of encyclopedia of articles that I mentioned earlier and also to the connection coach as well and if you're interested in connecting and doing one-on-one coaching you can also schedule that there and I do in person and virtual as well.

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So we're in the world we can connect.

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Once at the very end.

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I think it's absolutely not require sex but for some people especially for couples sex can be a very important part of intimacy and I find especially for men when the partner is saying all you care about is sex.

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It's usually not the case so much has happened before the loss of sex there's so much intimacy and connection that has been stripped away before the sex ends and I think it's usually that they're reaching out and trying to connect some way and maybe sex is the only route that they feel is left available to them.

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But I think usually when someone says to their long-term partner you know all you care about is sex that's probably pretty inaccurate most of the time.

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It sounds like a starting point to go deeper Nikki thank you so much this has been very very engaged and intimate conversation really appreciate you taking time to do this.

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Thank you so much for having me.

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It has been my pleasure again I apologize that my partner's away for this conversation I'm sure she would have totally loved diving into into this topic with you for sure.

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You'll have to have me back sometime.

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There we go. I like that. I like that idea. I like thank you so much.

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[Music]