VBB 389: The Paradox at the Heart of The Bitch!

Intro [00:00:01 - 00:00:19]

Virgin Beauty Bitch Podcast, inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique life experiences without fear of being defiantly different. Your hosts, Christopher and Heather. Let's talk, shall we?

Christopher [00:00:19 - 00:00:24]

Ah, it's one of those rare moments, just you and me.

Heather [00:00:25 - 00:00:26]

Just the two of us.

Christopher [00:00:27 - 00:01:22]

Yes. So I thought, I thought we'd take time to just reflect on where we've been on our journey with the bitch. It's been— if you've been with us, thank you so much for tuning in, listening. Hopefully you're gaining something out of these conversations we've been having with our guests. And you already know, uh, we've declared 2026 the year of the bitch. Up until we started on this journey, any positive talk you'd hear about the word the bitch was usually around women reclaiming the word, owning the word, wearing it like a suit of armour. But has that advanced women's relationship with this enigma of a word? As we say, whether you want it or not, if you are born female, this word has a relationship with you. It could be in the form of an identity, character, or an archetype.

Christopher [00:01:23 - 00:01:29]

But it's not just a word. What say thee, Heather?

Heather [00:01:33 - 00:04:13]

Yeah, I mean, it brings me back to where we started, Christopher, at the beginning of this year in sharing with our audience that whether or not you want a relationship with this word, it has a relationship with you. And I think some of the conversations Christopher and I have had with our guests this year We've heard from them what other episodes have meant- that they've gleaned certain new perspectives about the many, many faces of the bitch, if you will. But we are forever curious, you know, around how the audience is receiving this information about what patterns, if you see your constellation of your life ahead of you, how is this particular word affecting your life? And does it create barriers in how you act, how you speak up, how you use your voice, or perhaps how you don't? And so, I think it's been a really fascinating journey for me because when we look at our acronym, Christopher and I, if you're tuning in for the first time, we have the acronym of Betrayal, Identity, Trust, Change, and Healing that we've been diving into. But each one of the women who have been on our show Although the undercurrent of what we've been sharing remains steady in us uncovering pieces about the bitch that are new to us or are archaically old and still have a firm grasp on the spirit of many women, I've been remarkably just, I guess, surprised in certain ways just how much ground we've covered this year. So, you know, for me, seeing and hearing other women's experiences of self-betrayal, narcissistic abuse, medical dismissal as a woman, both the power and the prison that is beauty, and good girl conditioning has come up many times. But also, you know, our bodily autonomy, sexuality, trauma bonds, and really seeing some of the emotions that aren't as culturally deemed as culturally appropriate, like rage, desire, and how all of those are so innate to the bitch, right? That she is in her full right to experience all that's coming up in her, all that needs to be heard and seen and felt. So, you know, I'm looking forward to diving into more of this with you, but would love to hear your initial thoughts on what this past year, you know, we're about 8 months in now, what that's meant to you, Christopher?

Christopher [00:04:15 - 00:06:18]

It's interesting. I have obviously, as being born not female, I have a different relationship with this word. However, in the work that you and I have committed ourselves to doing in the support and the encouragement of women to get into their own power, self-empowerment. Studying this word from that perspective has really given a rounder, deeper understanding of what women have to deal with that I don't know that many women actually take the time to investigate for themselves. So I've— I came up with a term, and I call it the bitch paradox. And what that is, is the bitch paradox is the experience of being encouraged as a woman to be confident, bold, self-respecting, and empowered, only then to be judged, shamed and called out when your boldness, confidence, honesty, or boundaries make others uncomfortable. Think about that for a moment, and I encourage you to apply it to your own experience in life where you have been encouraged to be more and bigger and bolder, to be all that you can be, only then to step over that line and have it thrown in your face, have that word thrown in your face. Like if you're in an office and your girlfriends, your, your, your workmates are encouraging you to speak up about the things that you believe, you do so in mixed company, and that word flies back at you.

Christopher [00:06:19 - 00:07:17]

And all of a sudden, you're isolated. You're alone. You're demoralized. You're embarrassed. Are you going to do it again? And are the women who are sitting in that room, are they going to ever do it for themselves? These are the little things we don't— I don't know that women think about on a regular basis. You just, you have a reflex now about the word. So you just don't go there. But that's what we're trying to talk about in these conversations, it’s are you being authentic? Are you being your whole self? Can you ever get to your potential if this word is a barrier for you doing the things you feel convicted to do but also held back because of what the consequences might be? That's what we're trying to do with this conversation about this word.

Christopher [00:07:18 - 00:07:34]

It's not about the word. It's about what the word has reserved or made conservative or is not allowing you to actually be the thing you want to be. I hope that makes sense.

Heather [00:07:36 - 00:10:37]

No, I— yeah, I mean, hearing it put in the words of the paradox, I mean, for me as a woman, and I think from what I've gathered from other women, that it just speaks to the larger paradox of so much of what's expected of women, right? Like, be thin but not too thin, be pretty but not too pretty. You know, it was, it was so well said in the Barbie movie that we both, you know, adore so much, you know, in that excellent monologue about the reality of what it is like to be a woman, to be 2 things at the exact same time that are polar opposites, opposites, and You know, so I think to speak in those terms around the bitch is so apropos, because the things that she can bring to the forefront, and that we've been encouraged to be empowered and speak our voice and find our voice and go for it and be loud and be seen and be bold and be courageous. I mean, the fact is, when you put yourself into the light and into the limelight, I mean, you are opening yourself up to scrutiny, right? If people are looking at you and watching you, there can be positive accolades for what you're doing, but there will always, I feel, be people who really speak to what you're saying and people who really are adamantly against it based on their own values, perhaps based on deep down not wanting other people or other women to succeed, a whole myriad of reasons for why they either want to exalt you or demonize you. I think the point where you and I have been going, Christopher, is Right. Regardless of being exalted or demonized, it's worth it, right? That it's worth it for you. And easier said than done, right? Because if you're constantly putting yourself out there and putting yourself forward, putting yourself into the limelight in whatever regard that is— I'm not talking about grandiose stages unless that's for you, but even if it's just a small step that feels uncomfortable and you're reprimanded for it— easier said than done to say, keep going, girl, you got this, when So much is tied to our identity constructed within the relationships that we hold, our sense of self based off of maintaining an image, if you will, maintaining an outward-facing identity that people want to be around, right? So I think that the distinction between how easy it is to say some of these things and to really continue to put yourself at the forefront in those steps, even when they're, as I said, raised up or torn down, continuing to find that deep, deep inner strength. And to me, that's what the bitch is as a personified version rather than a word to hold women to account. Because it feels like to me, and especially in our conversations, that the bitch was never the problem.

Heather [00:10:38 - 00:11:46]

I think it's been made a problem because she knew too much. Because when I think about the times that you do kind of take a step that's outside of your comfort zone, and I love what one of our past guests said about her belief and her understanding of her conscious inner bitch, is that she's a visionary, that she is emboldened, that she is messy, that she is able to make mistakes and not chastise herself forever for those mistakes. She is clear on what she's supposed to do and how she's supposed to do it. And, you know, of course, not every second of every waking day are we going to know what we're doing and exactly how we want to get there. But that's why there are many parts to who we are, and as women and as people. So those moments that I feel very bold and very true to myself and very ready to stand and move forward, like to picture my inner bitch kind of taking over, if you will. It is, it's a remarkable feeling.

Heather [00:11:46 - 00:11:49]

And it's a feeling that I want for every woman.

Christopher [00:11:50 - 00:13:14]

And that's where our acronym comes in. It's how do you get from point A, your conditioning, to point B, your freedom? With this word within yourself. And all is— all in that transition is how you take what has been conditioned in you. And it's a march from one goal line to the next. It really is a journey. Because women have been so conditioned to be either afraid of this word or use the word to, you know, cripple other women with, right? That's a long journey. That's where the acronym comes in, right? So betrayal— if you are not acting out your deepest impulses, that may put you in this position of being ostracized; you've betrayed yourself. If you're not doing the things you're convicted to do, you hold them back because you are afraid of this word being thrown in your face or this reputation following you wherever you go and affecting your life.

Christopher [00:13:16 - 00:13:17]

That is a self-betrayal.

Heather [00:13:17 - 00:13:44]

And if I may, just to break it down into the everyday with what you're saying, you know, you know, a woman who stops accommodating everybody is deemed as selfish. A woman who gets angry, she's unhinged. A woman who wants more, she's ungrateful. A woman who leaves a bad circumstance or a bad conversation, she's cold. Like, these are the ways that I feel the conditioning happens, right, in order to— in order for these self-betrayals to happen.

Christopher [00:13:45 - 00:14:24]

But you have to understand, before we get to once you understand the betrayals that have been going on in your life and where you are falling short because of what you think others might think of you, right there, you have to first know who you are. Who are you? What is your identity in consideration of what you've been taught, what you've witnessed, and then how you respond, how you build yourself according to what's going on around you. The places you learn how to hide yourself and not be seen because you know that can get you into whatever trouble.

Heather [00:14:26 - 00:14:35]

Well, called a bitch, right? Don't become her. Don't get too loud. Don't be too sure. Don't be too sexual. Don't be too angry. Don't trust yourself too much. You know?

Christopher [00:14:35 - 00:15:15]

You have to know yourself. That's where the identity part is. So betrayal, identity, you have to know yourself. You have to— this is hard— this is not easy, right? Because you have to, you have to, you have to walk out in the sun naked, basically, to know yourself, right? To know who you are, the things that are important to you, not what pleases everyone else. What pleases you? It's not a journey every woman feels encouraged to take, but it's really necessary to really become the person that you are meant to be, the things you are meant to accomplish in your life.

Heather [00:15:16 - 00:15:51]

And something I want to illuminate from our conversations is I think part of the, if you will, man-made bitch or quintessential connotation of bitch is about being hard and cruel. Um, and these conversations are not about becoming harder or becoming crueller, or dare I say, it's not even about like the boss bitch era that we're in with a fancy hashtag on a meme. What Christopher and I are asking is, what happens when women stop betraying herself in order to remain palatable for others?

Christopher [00:15:52 - 00:16:22]

And knowing that identity is truly you, and that's where the C comes in, right? Or the T is— the T is basically trusting that identity. Once you've established that identity of who you are, the things that are important to you, your values, things that make you happy, once you are able to grasp what that is, like, be honest with yourself about that, and you've established this is my identity, this is who I am.

Heather [00:16:22 - 00:16:49]

And I think just as a starting point from where we've had these conversations, in trusting that identity is, you know, what's underneath being the good girl? What's underneath being pretty? What's underneath being chosen? What's underneath being liked? Just really looking at stripping back those layers that are some of like the forefront grooming grounds for, for how so many of us move through the world.

Christopher [00:16:49 - 00:17:02]

Identity is not easy to establish once you've been conditioned. And we've all been conditioned. We all, we all compromise ourselves in order to whatever, be loved, fit in, whatever it might be.

Heather [00:17:02 - 00:17:48]

I really love that point because it's not about people being conditioned because they're weak. It's, I think, like you just said, it's the very real kind of survival brain of needing a tribe in order to, you know, make it. And, you know, in maybe a more modern world, it's we're trying to make something work. We all need connection. We all need to feel a sense of belonging, a sense of trust. So Christopher and I are not coming at this conversation as saying that these things are not needed and very important. But once we get to that point of seeing our true selves and getting closer, not that it's like some unveiling that, okay, you met her one day, and now you're finally home, and it's always going to be that easy. It's a consistent learning.

Heather [00:17:48 - 00:18:37]

And I feel like for me, it's a consistent coming home to myself, and it takes a desire to get to know myself better. And it's not like I can just cross a finish line, right? But I can feel closer to honouring that true self and walk the walk knowing who that true self is. And my old patterns, my old grooming may take me in different directions, which it does, but I try to just create awareness when I see it happening, when I have that little constellation point and I can— Pause, not berate myself for it, but then think about what does my true self, my most authentic self, some people say my higher self, what would they do in this decision or how I'm deciding to move?

Christopher [00:18:38 - 00:18:53]

And I want to acknowledge that there are women in this world who don't get to make that choice, or they feel, oh, their reality is it's life-threatening to make that choice. I want to acknowledge that.

Heather [00:18:54 - 00:18:55]

In reality, it truly is.

Christopher [00:18:55 - 00:18:56]

And I want to acknowledge that.

Heather [00:18:57 - 00:18:59]

However, that's a really important point.

Christopher [00:18:59 - 00:19:40]

In the way that the world has changed over the last 50 years, a lot more women have an opportunity to make those choices on their own. They're not in a situation where they make a choice, and their life is at stake. Their livelihood is at stake, their children are at stake, their family is at stake, etc., etc. A lot more women today have the opportunity to actually make these choices for themselves. So I don't want to— I don't want to make it sound like every woman has this opportunity because that's not reality.

Intro [00:19:41 - 00:19:41]

Not yet.

Christopher [00:19:42 - 00:20:10]

Hopefully someday humanity will get to that stage. But one step at a time. Those women who do have that opportunity, this is the information we want to bring forward so you understand your conditioning is not your ending. It's not where you need to stay for the rest of your life if you have this information, if you have this knowledge that you have choices. Mm-hmm.

Heather [00:20:11 - 00:21:59]

Yeah. Isn't that true? Yeah. And, you know, when I think about trust and trusting your own gut and trusting yourself and how it relates to the conditioning, and something we've explored on this show, especially this year, is like the second-guessing that happens, right? Was it really that bad? Was I— did I misunderstand, or could I have done more? Was I being unfair? Am I the drama? Am I the problem? Sometimes true. But, you know, I think, you know, our internal prosecutor, um, is forever, it feels, alive and well. Um, but, you know, there's ways to garner, like, just really knowing of yourself and knowing what you felt was real. In a world that I feel like constantly gaslights women or tries to get them in a mirage of— I just think when I talk to so many women these days, especially around the beauty standard, there's so much time that we invest monetarily, physically, spiritually, psychologically into beauty. And again, I feel like it's another extreme grooming grounds of the good girl and what's pleasurable and what, again, is lovable or what people want to be around, which is, you know, Christopher and I have gone into this in great detail, but a story that always ends in the fact that we all age and we all change. Putting, uh, all of your fruit in that basket may be, uh, I don't know, uh, not, not a road I want to go down.

Christopher [00:22:00 - 00:22:42]

And again, because you, um, don't, um, you know, fall in line with the standards of what beauty should look like, um, that doesn't make you a bitch. What we're talking about, beauty from a bitch perspective, is You're doing it for you. You're not doing it as a performance. You're not doing it as, this will bring light to me because of the way I look. It's about, does it bring light to you by the way that you are? By who you are? By how people connect to you?

Intro [00:22:42 - 00:22:42]

Mm-hmm.

Christopher [00:22:43 - 00:23:09]

It's beyond what they see in you. It's what they feel from you, right? That's— there's, there's a difference there. And that's what we're, we're getting to with your identity. Who the hell are you? Do you know who the hell you are, right? That's so, that's so critical to all this whole journey, is that identity piece.

Heather [00:23:11 - 00:24:11]

And I think just speaking on women's bodies and, and beauty, you know, as you're saying, you know, how does like so much of the rhetoric or the noise, both in society and in our heads, is how do I look? Is it acceptable? Is it attractive? Is it thin enough, young enough, smooth enough, sexy enough, modest enough, etc.? But for me, when I try to push that noise out, I try to be like and listen to, dropping into my body, right? Which thankfully is talked about a lot these days, and thinking, how does my body actually feel? Right? Like Christopher's saying, the beauty that is yours to define and yours to express, that is a very different, a very different feeling, knowing, being that doesn't cut you off from loving your body or being too critical of it. It drops you into what does it mean to deeply appreciate this body that I'm in?

Christopher [00:24:11 - 00:25:04]

And you can repeat all of this you just said and just add the word bitch instead of beauty. The bitch is part of you. I'm sorry, but bitch is part of all of us. We all have the capacity to challenge the norm. We all have the capacity to be creative beyond what others have created. We all have the capacity to do things that may challenge other people, right? But for women, you become a bitch for it. I— we want you to understand that that does not make you an evil, horrible, unlovable person. And that's what— that's what bitch has been taught to us to be, is this, you know, difficult crone that no one wants to deal with.

Heather [00:25:05 - 00:25:05]

Mm-hmm.

Christopher [00:25:06 - 00:25:39]

It's also holding women back from being all they can be. That's the problem with it. That's the problem with it. It's not you. It's how we perceive this word and how we've used it to absolutely destroy women's lives. That's the problem, not the word. So in these conversations, we want you to understand there's a difference there. The same word, but there's a big difference in how you translate that word into your life.

Heather [00:25:40 - 00:27:04]

And I do think that even when it comes to that, if you will, the paradox of the bitch that you were talking about at the beginning, which is that once both sides that you've just highlighted, you know, even the crone, if you will, or the difficult, the, I guess, cruel, you know, I just want to take a moment to say that part of that is also embedded into how we view women in rage or in anger, right? And I do think that anger is telling us that a line has been crossed. It's telling us that I deserve something better than how people are treating me. It's a very necessary thing to feel. And I think that, you know, for me, it, of course, it's like, it's not about being cruel, right? I don't like cruelty; it’s like doing harm to other people. And that's not, that's not the bitch that we're talking about, although it is part of the personification of the man-made bitch for sure. But these many other, many, many, many other faces of the bitch that Christopher and I have talked about, it's not. only about being a visionary of who you are and your life and where you want to go, but allowing things like anger and rage to still be part of you and still be part of what guides you.

Christopher [00:27:06 - 00:27:32]

A bitch is a full woman in her fullness. Like, that's just part of— it's part of who you are. That prickly part that we call the bitch is part of all of us, of every human being. It's just men are allowed to get away with it. We're allowed our anger to burst. We're allowed things that, you know, are not community supported.

Heather [00:27:32 - 00:27:36]

Yeah, that's right. Right.

Christopher [00:27:36 - 00:28:02]

Women have less leeway in that, uh, and this word is to remind them of that, right? That doesn't make them horrible, unlovable human beings, which is we either go from one end of the spectrum to the next. Like, either sugar and spice and everything nice, or you are this horrible, dis— you know, displeasing bitch. Right?

Heather [00:28:03 - 00:28:04]

Nothing in between.

Christopher [00:28:05 - 00:28:06]

Nope. Sorry. Nope.

Heather [00:28:06 - 00:28:17]

You're either everything that fits into this glorious box of sugar, spice, everything nice, or you are automatically this other very, you know, pinpointed paradox.

Christopher [00:28:17 - 00:28:20]

What, you burnt my toast, you bitch? Like, really?

Heather [00:28:20 - 00:28:25]

Oh my God. And the woman, the bitch says, make your own damn toast.

Christopher [00:28:25 - 00:28:26]

Exactly.

Heather [00:28:27 - 00:29:51]

Exactly. I do want to, before we, you know, wrap up this conversation, I also want to shed light on desire for women. Because, you know, in one of our episodes, we talked about, you know, the hot bitch and conscious and unconscious within those two, within that face of the bitch, if you will. And we talked about how, you know, the unconscious hot bitch is about being like sexually available, sexy, like very pleasing to the eye, like worried about kind of how she looks when she's having sex rather than again dropping into her body and enjoying and knowing what feels good for her. And then, the conscious hot bitch is the one that understands that her desire and that desire in and of itself is part of life and life creation. And to really, if you'll give me the moment to, that our bodies as creators of life, that desire is part of our fuel. And sexual desire is only one form, of course, of that desire. But, you know, I think that the bitch, as it's been connotated in the man-made world, is about being sexually available when, when she's asked to be.

Heather [00:29:52 - 00:31:13]

Whereas the bitch, at least for me, is to be very free in my sexual self and whatever that looks like moment by moment, day to day, different seasons of my life. And there's something extremely powerful in the relationships I've built with my own body and my own sexual force and my own life-giving, life-creating energy. So, to me, there's so much power in women understanding their own sexuality, and I feel very blessed and grateful that we're living in an era where there's just been mountains of movement on how women connect to their own sexual life and still light years more to go. But that one is critically, critically important for me. And I've heard the same from many other women: that when they understand their own pleasure, like the book Pleasure Activism- amazing read. It opens up confidence in you. It opens up a, a, what you know about what feels good for you helps to be a guiding light or a North Star in other areas of your life. And that is truly just your own.

Heather [00:31:13 - 00:31:14]

It's for you.

Christopher [00:31:15 - 00:31:33]

That is a whole universe of a conversation as far as women's Sexuality and their freedom to explore their own sexuality. That is not just a can of worms; that's a barrel of snakes.

Heather [00:31:36 - 00:31:50]

In today's world and religious connotations and, you know, conservative ideals, 100%. There is a lot going on in there, but a worthwhile one nonetheless, and something Christopher and I have dove into a lot.

Christopher [00:31:50 - 00:32:31]

So the last, the last letter in our B-I-T-C-H is healing. And we've said this a thousand times on the shows that we've done, that every step of this process is healing. To identify your self-betrayal is healing. To know your full identity, or at least know what is important and your values and what it is you will allow or not allow that identity, to understand what that is. Oh, that is healing with a capital H, uh, circled and underlined, emboldened.

Heather [00:32:31 - 00:32:36]

Highlighted. Pretty, pretty, uh, drawings around it.

Christopher [00:32:37 - 00:33:43]

And then learning to trust that identity. Ah, that's healing, right? And to make the change, to be that person? Healing. So H covers the whole gamut of B-I-T-C. It's all encompassed, and every step forward is healing. But I want to, I want to reflect on— we had a guest many, many, many, many years ago who said to us that women need to learn to be better bitches. And that has resonated in my brain since the moment it came out of her mouth. And it has become now the foundation of something that Heather and I are building, the learning part, that is coming very, very soon in the fall, that we're going to unveil. And all of the principles we've just talked about, all of the steps we've just talked about, will be incorporated into that learning part.

Heather [00:33:45 - 00:34:49]

And if I may, just before we move on, because what you're sharing is so exciting for Christopher and me, but I just have— I'm compelled to say a little something about healing because it is in every single step that we've gone over. And I also want to pinpoint that regulating your nervous system with soft music or baths, journaling, closure, or forgiveness- those can all be beautiful mechanisms that can help people. But we're going into some of the more nitty-gritty here. And sometimes healing makes you absolutely furious, because you're finally looking at what you once tolerated, and now you will no longer. Sometimes it can cost very meaningful relationships. Sometimes it can cost having people like you less. Sometimes it can cost a hole that you've been feeling for a very long time, or recognizing that you've contributed to your own self-abandonment. All of those things are very hard to look at and unpack, but so, so very worth it.

Heather [00:34:49 - 00:35:31]

So, as Christopher was saying, to take these learnings that we've had this year and really over the course of having this podcast together, in conjunction with the many women who we've been so fortunate to have on the show, And from feedback from our audience, what's coming next is— it's almost beyond words how thrilled I am to share this piece of this work with our audience, with women, and to, of course, continue to grow in the feedback that we receive as it transforms with where we're heading next.

Christopher [00:35:31 - 00:36:19]

Yes, so look for that because we definitely want to emphasize engagement with our listeners. That is critically important to us. It's wonderful to have our guests and to get their experiences and have them share what they have gone through and their understandings of these principles we talk about, but nothing can compare to the person, you, who's listening right now and what it is, how this impacts you. If it's positive or negative, it doesn't matter. We would love to hear how these conversations and the things we talk about that we've laid out for you on the table, how do they impact you? How do you feel about it? We would love to hear from you.

Heather [00:36:19 - 00:36:34]

Absolutely. And we'll look forward to hearing, you know, your journey and your personal experience with this word and, um, and what we're going to be doing together to get closer, closer home to ourselves.

Christopher [00:36:34 - 00:36:43]

I'll give you a hint: we're going to encourage you through a quiz. So look for that coming very, very soon.

Heather [00:36:45 - 00:36:45]

Are you that bitch?

Christopher [00:36:48 - 00:36:52]

Until then, you have been listening to

Heather [00:36:52 - 00:36:55]

The Virgin.

Christopher

The Beauty.

Heather

And the B-I-T-C-H in her year.

Christopher [00:36:55 - 00:37:05]

2026. Find us, like us, share us. This conversation is not over. Come on back.

Intro [00:37:06 - 00:37:27]

To become a partner in the VBB community, we invite you to find us at virginbeautybitch.com. Like us on Facebook. Instagram, and LinkedIn, and share us with people who are defiantly different like you. Until next time, thanks for listening.