VBB 368 Barb Stone: How Little Deaths Can Inspire A Fulfilling Life!

Barb Stone [00:00:01]:

Virgin Beauty Bitch Podcast, inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique life experiences without fear of being defiantly different. Your hosts, Christopher and Heather. Let's talk, shall we?

Christopher [00:00:20]:

Thanks for joining our journey into the Year of the Bitch 2026. If this is your first time with us, welcome. Our podcast is based around 3 words that impact every woman's life. Bitch being the one used to hurt and dehumanize all of womanhood. That's history. But after 8 years of asking individual women about their relationship with the word Bitch, something surprising began to take shape. A pattern spelled out in 5 powerful words: Betrayal, Identity, Trust, Change, and Healing, which not only form the acronym B.I.T.C.H., but are words that summarize and encapsulate a clear path to women's self-empowerment and growth. We use conversations to help us translate these words into your lived experience. And it helps when the conversation is with a Leadership Development Coach, Trainer, Speaker, Bestselling Author, and TEDx Speaker like our friend Barb Stone. Welcome back, Barb, to Virgin Beauty Bitch.

Barb Stone [00:01:32]:

Thank you. Glad to be here again.

Christopher [00:01:34]:

Thank you for doing this. Now, Barb, when we first spoke a while back, the focus was on the folly of perfectionism, the expectation of women needing to be perfect as a measure of their value in the world and to the people they hope will love and respect them. Looking at it from the lens of B.I.T.C.H., I see women's obligation to perfection as a fundamental gendered betrayal. Am I delusional in seeing it that way?

Barb Stone [00:02:06]:

No, I think it is. It's gender. I mean, we have to live up to everybody else's expectations. And that is really where a lot of the betrayal comes into play. We're betraying others; we're betraying ourselves; it changes our identity and makes us want to go toward that perfectionism. And I, as much as I have dealt with it, and I've lived in it, and I am continuously healing from it, it's always there, and it's always a reminder. So that perfectionism, that betrayal, that it lives within me. And at least I'm recognizing it before it really takes total control of me.

Christopher [00:03:01]:

In the women that you coach, meet, and work with, do they identify that betrayal? Are they aware of it?

Barb Stone [00:03:09]:

You know, they are. They are in so many ways, and it's always a different perspective. I have to say, yesterday I was dealing with a woman who had come to me, and she wanted to get her business going, and she had been betrayed by so many different people around her. It was hard for her to think about listening to me, trusting me, and trusting that I was going to be able to guide her to the right people to help her move forward. So I run into that all the time. I run into the need for perfectionism, and people just get so stuck, and they have to have everything just right. So I'm constantly running into that in everyone's lives, and all I can do is help them define some different perspectives and to be able to help them get unstuck and moving forward. But it's there.

Heather [00:04:17]:

I got so much the last time that you came onto our show, so it's such an honor to have you back with us, Barb, because you keep it really raw and really real, and that's exactly what we're all about on this show. And I know that in the last one, we really kind of focused in on some of these, but Betrayals and also kind of tiptoed into Identity. And you talked a lot about how your identity shifted, some of the things that you had tried to kind of mask from the world about who you are, and then just feeling, you know, very empowered to remove the mask and be able to say, you know, to someone that you loved, this is me, this is who I am, and this is the full package. And, you know, just remembering that moment with you, it was something that sits with me to this day because it's really invigorating to see when people have those moments of feeling fully confident in, yes, I've changed from where I started, but I'm really loving this person that I am now. And so I've been exploring this, like, concept of pieces of our identity kind of having a death, if you will, as a kind of rebirth of yourself emerges. And I feel like I got to witness a moment of that when you were on the show. But did you feel like you've gone through some, like, deaths and rebirths of your identity? Or how does that kind of resonate with you?

Barb Stone [00:05:47]:

Oh, you know, that is a perfect analogy. I love that. A death and then a birth. I want to say one of the things I'm always saying to my husband, I said, one of the things I love about the wintertime, because it's a chance for me to rest and then rebirth into the spring. But I am constantly. I truly believe, you know, I take a look at where I came from 7 years ago when I started this business, when I left 25 years as a senior leader in manufacturing, and to put this endeavour out, I had to have the death of that person who was in manufacturing. I had to put that behind her because that was an identity that I did not know anymore as I stepped into my business to be a coach, speaker, and trainer. And because I was going into new territory and places I had never been.

Barb Stone [00:06:49]:

And I had to allow that to die and then rebirth a new person, who I was. But even as I continued, and I'm now 7 years into this thing, and it's like I'm constantly allowing a piece of me to die because it served me at that time, but I needed to rebirth into doing something new. Because there is, and my brain goes 100 miles an hour because I'm feeling like there's so much that we have to do here on this earth. But there are certain things that need to be left behind. And as I'm stepping into different chapters of this journey that I have been doing, I've recognized that I needed to be this coach. I needed to try it, and I needed to allow the old me to die.

Barb Stone [00:08:01]:

Then it's like going and starting to speak. And it was like, I remember I was telling somebody, I used to write out every single word when I spoke. Now I don't do that. That person has died, and I've had to rebirth, and I can now just speak. I just need an outline to make sure I'm covering. Same thing with my TEDx talk. I had to allow that person who said, "You can't ever do this," to die. And I just had to step into it. And was it a wonky ground? Was it scary? Yeah. And even now with the author, being an author and going, "What's my next step?" I'm constantly allowing a piece of me to die so that there is room for that new rebirth and moving me forward, and hopefully to be able to impact others to be able to move forward in what they're doing. Great analogy.

Heather [00:08:55]:

I appreciate that so much because I think in our world, especially in Western civilization and globally, we so fear death, the concept of death, the nonexistence that happens after death, you know, if that's what you believe, you know, or others believe in souls, and it continues on. But I think that, you know, from just saying it the way that you did, you know, it helped me to kind of go into myself for a moment to think about the ways that maybe I'm holding on to different parts that need to die away because of a fear of quote unquote losing them or thinking that they're going to serve me one day. But I think even the practice of saying out loud the pieces of your identity that you're ready to let die, it feels like a very powerful practice just even hearing you say it now.

Barb Stone [00:09:49]:

You know what? We can go on and on forever because what you are jogging my brain is I do believe that we have different lives, and I believe that we are here on this earth to learn something before we die, and then move on to the next, next lifetime. But one of the things that I recognize is that in each life, and as I was talking about my life in the different stages, there's a there was something that I needed to learn. And I truly believe, like, I'm here in this lifetime, and I need to learn something that I want to be able to move on and take it to that next lifetime. And I want to make sure I'm doing it right. And sometimes I struggle with it, but it was like, I, yeah, it's something that I believe in. I believe we have multiple lives, and similarly, I want to build on each stage of my life to be able to be the best I can and to learn from my past so that I can move forward, and I can flourish, and I can be that best self for me and for others. Love it.

Christopher [00:11:19]:

For you, that mask was something tangible, something concrete, right? That once you've lifted that, the world could see who was underneath all of that. I think maybe if you don't have such a tactile mask that you can lift and remove and show, it may be difficult to realign with this new person you're trying to be or trying to show to the world. Do you remember when you came to the moment that you could trust yourself enough to remove that and show the world?

Barb Stone [00:11:58]:

Absolutely. But you know what, Christopher, I couldn't do it alone. I remember when I started. I started working, and I believe that I'm a coach, a leadership coach, or whatever. I believe that everybody's a leader, so I say that I'm a leadership coach. But I remember when I started working with my coach, who I'm currently with, at the end of 2019, and we were talking about our stories and the things that made us. I'm a widow, you know, I have alopecia, and I've been in manufacturing. And these are all the stories. And he's the one who really encouraged me to start thinking about, you know, looking good and getting it right is killing our souls. And by me taking my wig off to be able to reveal who I really was, was just symbolic of what I think we all have.

Barb Stone [00:13:03]:

We all hide behind something that we need to allow the reveal to go on because there is a beautiful person behind that. And I have alopecia, so yes, I have this wig that I wear, and it's very revealing of my alopecia, my bald head. That I have no hair, but it was also very much a representation of how I lived my life. And that's how we end up living our lives. And that's where a lot of the betrayal comes in, to ourselves and to others. And it's like when you start really thinking about trusting who you are and trusting the people around you, that they will see you for who you are, that's when you can really make a transition and make a change in yourself that's going to be really impactful for others. And really, because you've revealed, you've been real, raw, and relevant in showing who you are.

Christopher [00:14:16]:

I'll put this roadblock in the way. Before that reveal, you had proven to the world that you can be and you are successful at what you do. Not very many people have that confidence going into their reveal. Where can a person start if they believe they don't have that kind of impact, influence, or right to actually be themselves in the world?

Barb Stone [00:14:54]:

You know, I think that number one, it really comes that there is something in your life that will make you pivotal to being able to say, I think I need to get some help. And maybe it will be a death.  Maybe alcoholism. It may be becoming a drug addict, but there's something that becomes pivotal that you can be at the bottom if you haven't ever really felt that you've got, you've been able to achieve things. And I truly believe that that can be a pivotal time for you to start taking a look at who you need to bring on your bus. Who do you want to be with you in your life to be able to support you? There are so many people. There are so many services that people can reach out to where they can get the help that they need and be able to achieve. And it's not like it's going to be a miraculous thing overnight, but it will be small incremental steps. But there's got to be something inside of them, not in their head, but in their heart and in their gut that says, I want to change. And I truly believe that when people, when individuals, and especially women, feel this and recognize this, that's when they have the opportunity to really change who they are. And move forward and have the life that they can do and be, because that's what's really important.

Barb Stone [00:16:32]:

It's who you are being seen for, your values, your purpose, your emotions, and that beautiful human being that you are. It doesn't matter what you're doing. It doesn't matter your title. It doesn't matter how much money you have in your bank; it's all about the values and your purpose that will shine.

Heather [00:17:06]:

When I think about change as this fourth pillar of BITCH and what you just shared there, you know, that a lot of people hit a point where either it's like, what I'm doing is no longer working, or I'm in trouble, and I need help. Or I don't feel aligned with who I am and what I want to be doing. And that, you know, resources, as you said, and people who care about you to be on your bus are so important to kind of support that journey along the way, whether it's, you know, going to a leadership coach like yourself, perhaps a therapist, you know, that's cultivating that inner trust. Because, to me, having that inner trust is the difference between allowing other people's expectations to take the driver's seat and really allowing your own or allowing your own instincts to be in alignment with where you want to head forward. And so, when I think about working with your bus to develop that, to develop and supports to develop that sense of inner trust, it seems like there's that moment where it's like, okay, I've been living this one way for so long, or I feel I was stuck in these patterns. Now, I'm getting to know where I think I really want to be going. There's a risk. There's a risk to that, right? You're stepping a little bit into the unknown or maybe completely into the unknown. What can you tell our guests about how you help navigate through that uncertainty, or taking that risk, or looking into a total, perhaps a totally new direction for where you're heading?

Barb Stone [00:18:53]:

Yeah, that is so good because I think we do that. I think, you know, one of the things that you started talking about was I was thinking about the Olympics and the ice skating, the figure skating. And I'm thinking about the American team that got one person who has completely, they all came in extremely confident. One’s totally devastated because she didn't do well in the short program. Another one who is like, just, I'm a free spirit, and it's going to be what it's going to be, and she did really well. And then the other one is working on it. And I think about, you know, they're on a bus where they've got so many different people that are there to support them. And they've got to be ready as much as they can to be able to fail. They're taking a big risk in stepping out onto the ice that everything is going to go as well as it can.

Barb Stone [00:19:59]:

But as there is risk, there is also the failure. But there's always, I really want people to not look at failing as if failing; failing is nothing but learning. It's a way to pivot. It's a way to see what you have to do because you talked a little bit about change. So it's like if you try something and it feels risky and it doesn't go well, that's okay. You've learned, and now you can change to being able to go into another direction. And one of the things I'm always talking to clients, you know, a lot of times clients that come to me for business development, they want a prescribed way of putting their business out in the world.

Barb Stone [00:20:57]:

And I'm saying, we're going to discover what's the best way for you. There are some steps that we can take, and I can say you might need to do this or you might need to do that, but you as an individual need to figure out which is the right step for you to take and how is it feeling, what, how, where are your values in it, because that will help you point the direction in what you need to do to change. I'm going to end up saying at the end of the year, I tried working with a teacher who was going to help me put some, I'm not a teacher, and I know my limitations, but was going to help me develop some SEL (Social-Emotional Learning). And it was, we stepped into this, and I'm very, very trusting, but then all of a sudden the signs started coming up. She's bringing on people without talking to me. We created a designed alliance. She's doing things outside of that. And then she lied to me.

Barb Stone [00:22:06]:

And I'm going like, this isn't going to work for me. And as much as I was so driven to want to do this because it was like my doing, it was the next thing I'm building on my book, So Much to Drool About, I was very, very hurt. I felt betrayed. I had to change. I had to feel those emotions, and I needed to allow that to die and to rebirth. And knowing that I have options— one of the things is that people need to know that they have options when things don't go well. That's where the change will take place. We think, you know, we've got this big purpose, this big “P” that we need to accomplish, and all of a sudden you get working towards this big “P”, this big purpose, and that's what I was doing, and it didn't go well. But in the meantime, I started taking a look at the little p’s, the little purposes that I can tap into. And at the same time, I had to heal. I was devastated. I was hurt. I had been betrayed. The trust that I had in trusting a teacher was, it was devastating to me. And so we're constantly doing this here.

Barb Stone [00:23:39]:

I work with people on it. I still am going through it. I am still living in it, and I'm constantly in check because we are always, things in our life are always dying, and it's going to give room for rebirth. And I’m, I've found a different way of putting this thing out in the world, and I will do it. It may take me a little longer, but I will still do it, because it's a passion of mine and really helps to impact people and children. So yes, change, change, and options.

Christopher [00:24:16]:

Did you, did you have to fire this person?

Barb Stone [00:24:20]:

Well, figuratively, yes. We had an agreement to, for I was going to pay her a lump sum and an agreement for an hourly consulting, and then her husband says, oh no, you need to be 50/50, or you need to be in partnership. And that's where everything went awry. And that's when I'm going, okay, all these signs are coming up, and I can't move forward anymore. It was like, it was something in my gut that said, this isn't working. As much as I wanted this thing and wanted to put it out in the world, the process and the journey of working with this person went totally against my gut. So I'm constantly learning.

Christopher [00:25:20]:

So Barb, you had to be a Bitch.

Barb Stone [00:25:22]:

I had to be a Bitch. Yes.

Heather [00:25:27]:

I love it.

Barb Stone [00:25:29]:

Yeah, it's like all of a sudden, it's all of a sudden, I said, okay, show me the accounting of hours. And within a 6-week period, she had accumulated close to 4, just under 400 hours. And I'm going, how? You work full-time. How did you accumulate 400 hours? And I go like, because I know what it was. It was like one of those programs where you can go into the computer, you say you're working on this, and it can run. And I'm going like, I need an accountant. And then she came back, and she says, I'm not so sure this is really working for me. I said, well, this is not working for me either, so let's just separate.

Barb Stone [00:26:13]:

But it was, I had never gone through something like that before, especially with a woman. With a woman. I've been betrayed big time by men, but not by a woman. And that was what was so devastating to me.

Heather [00:26:32]:

So what does bitch mean to you, Barb? It could be what it's meant over time, or just what you feel like when you hear the word, or anything that speaks to you.

Barb Stone [00:26:43]:

Oh, you know what, bitch, you know, can be being a bitch, you know, being a hard-ass can be, you know, but I think the bitch-ness really becomes that negative connotation because you're standing up for yourself. Because people think that because you're taking a stand on something, you're a bitch. Well, no, it's you're taking care of you. You know your values, you know your purpose, you know what you want to do, and you're standing on those laurels and saying, I’m, this stuff is unacceptable to me. And so it can be portrayed as being bitchy, but the reality is you're really taking care of yourself. You're recognizing the betrayal, you're recognizing your identity, you're recognizing who you can trust, and you're recognizing who and what needs to change. And then at the same time, the most important piece that you guys have identified is the healing. I needed to heal through this process because I didn't expect this to happen, but it did, and I'm moving forward with it.

Christopher [00:28:17]:

Do you want to be our spokesperson?

Barb Stone [00:28:20]:

Sure, anytime.

Christopher [00:28:23]:

Like, you've just covered that off so perfectly and so beautifully that a word that can be so empowering to a woman is the very word used to discredit her.

Barb Stone [00:28:36]:

Yes.

Christopher [00:28:37]:

Right?

Barb Stone [00:28:37]:

Yes. So true. So well stated. It is. You know, just because they stand in their own, they're standing up for what is right. They're standing up for who they are. And yeah, they're portrayed as that negative person, that negative bitch.

Christopher [00:29:06]:

Absolute.

Heather [00:29:06]:

Love it.

Christopher [00:29:07]:

Thank you for that. So this project of yours, when do you see it coming to fruition for you? And what inspired it for you?

Barb Stone [00:29:20]:

Well, what inspired it was, well, first of all, you know, I have the book, So Much to Drool About. This was published in April, and then it was republished again in July because my publisher fired me because I stood up and said, why am I paying for this when I was paying for your expertise And you published my book without a copyright page. So I had to stand up for myself in that. But my next endeavour is that as people were reading my book, they were finding out that it was, or it is, like SEL learning (Social-Emotional Learning). And this is something that is like emotional intelligence, but they end up adding some critical thinking, critical processing, and problem-solving into the program. So what I would like to be able to do is to spread the word of DROOL, going into schools, creating some curriculum for the schools, because it is a requirement. Like, I'm in New York State, it is a requirement, and I'm hearing it's a requirement requirement like in California and other states. But what I, what the whole thing is to be able to do is to again spread the word about Drool.

Barb Stone [00:30:51]:

So my next project is working on, it's not going to be called Drool Jr., but it's going to be a probably about 40, 45 stories from the book which will be, we're changing the verbiage to really be able to be utilized for grade schools, and it's going to have questions to be able to ask, allow the kids to, and any human being to ask, what does this really mean for you? What's really going on in this story that touches home for you? So that's my next project. And then from there, I'm talking to some other people and getting the ideas about how to go about creating this SEL curriculum on my own. So stay tuned. That might take about a year, but I'm hoping to have the second book out by mid-year for everyone. And stuff. I'm excited about it.

Christopher [00:32:00]:

You've been busy.

Heather [00:32:01]:

Very exciting.

Barb Stone [00:32:03]:

But you see, that's it, there are so many things that we can do on this earth, and it's like my brain goes 100 miles an hour.

Christopher [00:32:14]:

So yeah, yeah, I think I can relate to that.

Barb Stone [00:32:19]:

You can. I know you can. Look what you've created here.

Christopher [00:32:24]:

Oh, it's so wonderful to have you back. You are such a pleasure. It's a pleasure talking to you. It's like we're just sitting at a coffee shop and just shooting the breeze. This is beautiful. Thank you so much.

Barb Stone [00:32:37]:

And I thank you for the questions because you really hit home on some things and comparisons and what I'm thinking, and it's just ended up having a different perspective on stating it, you know. So thank you. Thank you for being who you guys are and doing what you're doing.

Christopher [00:32:54]:

Thank you. And all of this is because you're listening to

Heather [00:32:56]:

The Virgin

Christopher

The Beauty

Heather

and the Bitch in Her Year. B.I.T.C.H.

Christopher [00:33:06]:

Find us, Like us, Share us. Come on back, bring your friends. To become a partner in the VBB community, we invite you to find us at virginbeautybitch.com. Like us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, and share us with people who are Defiantly Different like you.

Until next time, thanks for listening.