VBB 355: Lauren Wellbank Faces Off Against Gender-Based Violence!

Intro [00:00:01]:

Virgin Beauty Bitch Podcast: Inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique life experiences without fear of being defiantly different. Your hosts, Christopher and Heather.

Let's Talk, shall we?

Christopher [00:00:20]:

November 25 marked the official launch of the United Nations Annual 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence. The campaign continues through December 10, which is Human Rights Day. Virgin Beauty Bitch continues to support this initiative through conversations with women who have been victims of abuse. This week, we welcome freelance writer, essayist, copywriter, and public speaker Lauren Welbank. To Virgin Beauty Bitch. Welcome, Lauren.

Lauren Wellbank [00:00:48]:

Hi. Thank you so much for having me.

Christopher [00:00:49]:

We are absolutely thrilled to have you. Now, Lauren, your writing is deeply personal and revealing of a time when your life could easily have ended at the hands of a man you loved. So, I believe most women would want to bury those memories in hell. If they could, they definitely wouldn't be working hard to have them published. So why is it so important for you to write and talk publicly about these experiences?

Lauren Wellbank [00:01:18]:

I happen to realize just how lucky I am to be able to tell this story because so many women in my position simply don't survive. And even the ones that do don't necessarily ever get out of those relationships. So I feel like I owe it to the people who can't tell their stories to tell this story and hopefully give other women who are going through this the idea that there is another side to this. You can get out. There is life after this, and it doesn't have to be a big part of your story. This can just be a little piece of it.

Christopher [00:01:52]:

I cannot imagine how many times you've heard this from women. I can never allow myself to be treated that way, or I'll never understand how women end up in these relationships, or why doesn't she just leave? Like, what can you say to women who are on the other side of where you were?

Lauren Wellbank [00:02:10]:

So one thing that I always say, and I begin any conversation that I have about this, even when I'm just revealing it casually to a new friend. This relationship started the same way every other relationship in the world start. I didn't know that I was getting into an abusive relationship when it started. So, I wasn't deciding to get into this knowing how it was going to turn out. He was not a monster from the beginning. He wooed me. We knew each other for years before we even started dating. So it's not that women are consciously choosing this.

Lauren Wellbank [00:02:43]:

And then once you get into it and you realize that you're in danger, it's. It's incredibly hard to get out. And it becomes incredibly dangerous because you're putting your life on the line half the time. So when women say, well, I could never let somebody treat me that way, or I couldn't believe you didn't leave the first time he hit you, it's, it's way more nuanced than that. It's so complicated. And it was, I tried to leave, and when I tried to leave, he tried to kill me. So it's not a matter of just saying, okay, I'm done, I wash my hands of this relationship, and then I can walk out the door. There's so much more to it. And unless you've been in it and seen it, then you don't know that.

Heather [00:03:21]:

Just looking at some of the stories, it's really exemplified in what you just said there that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when that person decides to leave. And just how important having a safety plan in place can help in order to make that transition. Once you're ready to do so, would you mind sharing with us what that process was like for you and for listeners who potentially are in that circumstance?

Lauren Wellbank [00:03:57]:

So I'll tell you, I tried it both ways. I tried to leave the first time, and the night that I told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore, that I wanted our relationship to be over, he tried to kill me. He strangled me until I was on the verge of blacking out. He put my head through a wall. It was a very violent moment that I was lucky to escape with my life. I did leave for a little bit. And that's when I was able to tell my family. I finally felt like now was the time to open up about this.

Lauren Wellbank [00:04:26]:

For a little bit of time, I thought that I was over-dramatizing everything that was happening. Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe in all relationships, people fight, and men are jealous. It's just something that happens. I didn't let myself realize just how bad things had gotten until that night. And everything escalated. So then I did tell my family. And unfortunately, I did what so many other people in my position do.

Lauren Wellbank [00:04:52]:

I went back to him. Because once you get away and they try to woo you back, then it's. They're going to promise you the moon, and they're going to change. They never meant to hurt you. This was the eye-opening moment that they needed to realize that they couldn't keep going this way. So we ended up back together. Then, the second time that I left, I told my parents I had to admit that I had gone back to him. But then I told them what was going on, and they helped me, and we called the police. They came out, and I filed a report.

Lauren Wellbank [00:05:24]:

Then I went to court, and I had to get. In the state where I live. A restraining order is called a protection-from-abuse order. So I had to go to court, and I had to file for one of those. They issued me an emergency one that day, and that gave me 48 hours of protection. And then I had to actually go to court with a lawyer and sit down in a courtroom and get a permanent one. I truly believe that I have the support of my parents and the support of the police because the officer who came when I called knew what to say, and he knew exactly how to convince me. You need to file this police report.

Lauren Wellbank [00:06:04]:

And then you need to go, and you need to file for a PFA because he's going to kill you. And he looked at my parents. Parents said, if this was my daughter, this is what I would do, and you should do this with her right now.

Christopher [00:06:15]:

That is so encouragingly amazing because we always hear about the police, and we hear about their, you know, disinterest or their. Their belief is that there's nothing they can do because whatever, it's domestic. It is so encouraging to hear that a police officer actually took the initiative to look out for you.

Lauren Wellbank [00:06:38]:

Yes. And it's unusual. I know that the circumstance is unusual because, more often than not, when they go into a domestic dispute, they're already. Both people are part of the problem. So I think that a big thing that saved me is that we weren't together when I called the police. Physically, we weren't together. So it's not like he's standing there saying, well, she did this. And I'm getting worked up, trying to defend myself.

Lauren Wellbank [00:07:03]:

The situation had already been a little diffused, and the officer who came out had the correct training. And that makes a huge difference, too.

Heather [00:07:11]:

I think from experiences, some of the research I've done, and countless personal stories with loved ones, you know, the training for officers in order to not make the situation worse. And I think they're predominantly, you know, in North America, there have been attempts, at the very least, to get better training for officers, to not let traditional or outdated rhetoric supersede the reality of what's going to help a person in that circumstance. And then the other thing that I hear from a lot of people who are trying to leave is that the police are still viewed as a very. I don't know, extreme option, they're worried potentially that their partner could go to jail or be deported, etc. So, for them, finding a women's organization in order to help them with a safety plan and not having to get the police involved was an option for them. That was very helpful, considering that in some areas, it's not on the individual to say if that person's going to be prosecuted. If the police are called in some jurisdictions, they will just be prosecuted.

Lauren Wellbank [00:08:26]:

That's correct.

Heather [00:08:26]:

So, that keeps a lot of people from knowing what other resources are available to help them. Before, as you've said, I think that what some parents and some loved ones, and even the person in the abusive relationship themselves, want to believe is that that person can and will kill you. And sometimes, from other stories, you never think that that person's going to take it to that level. But I was reading an alarming statistic about the first time that an abuser will actually physically hurt you. That could be the time that they kill you.

Lauren Wellbank [00:09:06]:

And you love that person, and you don't want to believe that they're capable of that. So that also helps them because you have that thing in the back of your head, he loves me. He doesn't mean it. He's not really going to hurt me. This is going to be okay. And that only hurts victims because we're, we're convincing ourselves, we're telling ourselves the Lie.

Christopher [00:09:28]:

So the evil catch-22 is because when you're in love, you have hope, and you have forgiveness or whatever it is for this person who, on the other side of that, is unpredictable, and there's nothing you can know of how far they will go in order to hurt you. But love is the buffer in between that keeps you close.

Lauren Wellbank [00:09:53]:

Yeah.

Heather [00:09:54]:

Yeah.

Lauren Wellbank [00:09:54]:

Because you also want to hope that things are going to change and get better, because you love that person, and you want to spend your life with them, or you want to spend your life with the version of them that's not hurting you, because that version does exist.

Christopher [00:10:07]:

Yeah. You said something interesting about social media. You said that had social media been what it is today, you may not have had what it took in order for you to get out because of all the opinions that social media offers as well.

Lauren Wellbank [00:10:22]:

So, it's interesting because when the whole Johnny Depp thing happened with Amber Heard, it was very eye-opening for me because people treated it like a spectacle. It was a joke, it was entertainment, and that's how it was viewed by people. And I unfortunately had a front-row seat to a lot of people who I love and respect, making light of the topic. We live in a time now where we know everybody's opinions and innermost thoughts, unfortunately, because they share them on social media. So seeing people talking about how horrible a person she was or how she should have known better or anything like that, like, that's detrimental to somebody's ability to step out of that relationship. Because now they feel like the problem, they're embarrassed, they're getting it, what feels like from all sides, saying, you brought this on yourself. This is your problem. You must have done something to cause it.

Lauren Wellbank [00:11:19]:

And social media has played, unfortunately, a really big role in protecting abusers and shielding them from the blame. Because now we get to watch the woman's story and, oh, what she did wrong. And it would definitely have made it difficult for me to leave.

Christopher [00:11:35]:

And cancel culture on top of that.

Lauren Wellbank [00:11:37]:

And cancel culture, because there's that fear that you're going to ruin somebody's life by speaking badly about, quote, unquote, speaking badly about them, but telling the truth is going to hurt them worse than what they're doing to you. I was going to say that I think that we've come far enough as a society where we have seen how little cancel culture actually works and how many people do bad things and don't suffer consequences for it. So, I think that's a myth that also protects abusers of bad people. And they can say, oh, no, cancel culture. I don't want to be a victim of that. But as we've seen, there are so few people who actually fall victim to that.

Heather [00:12:22]:

Yeah, I mean, it just really rings true for me right now, but it got a huge uptick with Your Body My Choice, that just tears my heart apart. It's like you said, when people can't be held to account, it's hard to see between the lines of that. And, you know, I just really commend people with resiliency and strength like you, because everyone who shares their story gives, I think, that next person a little bit of hope or a little bit of strength in order to call out what they're seeing or not allow the gaslighting to continue or to just see a different piece of the story. So those are the things that give me hope.

Lauren Wellbank [00:13:18]:

So, I have to say that when I shared my story, I was hesitant to do it because it is such a deeply personal thing, and it still is to this day. There's still some shame and embarrassment about what happened. And I was a little hesitant to put that out into the world because now everybody knows my biggest secret. After I did that, I was contacted by hundreds of women who came forward and told me their stories. Some of them were people I've known my whole life, and I never knew that they went through it, too. And having me go out there and say this is what happened to me, it gave them the ability to say it as well.

Lauren Wellbank [00:13:58]:

And I had people that I love telling me that they also went through something similar. It also allowed me to connect personally with people in my own life on a deeper level. And it gave me the ability to, when I see something and somebody else, say something and say are you okay? Is everything all right? You seem tense, or it seems like things might be a little tense at home. So, sharing that story kind of removed any secrecy, and it allowed me to show other people that it doesn't have to be a secret. What's happening to you doesn't have to be your secret that you're carrying alone. You can tell somebody, and hopefully, the person you tell can tell you what the next steps are and what you can do to get saved.

Christopher [00:14:44]:

I mean, isn't this how this process works? It's. You are in a situation where you are not the one in control, and then you're made to feel embarrassed about what you're suffering through, so you never tell anyone, and the cycle continues, and it just perpetuates. Isn't that the way it works?

Lauren Wellbank [00:15:02]:

Yes, absolutely. The secrecy protects them. It doesn't protect us. So that's. I think that the biggest thing that we as a society have to break free of is that the shame needs to be on the abuser, not the abused, and screaming it from the rooftops. I'm aware that I have privilege. I am white, I live in a nice area, and I can stand up and say this. And my abuser's also dead, so there's no fear of repercussions for me. I am safe to do this, and I know that there are women who aren't.

Lauren Wellbank [00:15:35]:

But being able to stand up and say, this is what happened to me. There's good on the other side of this. Life gets better. You can get out. Let me show you the way. I think that gives people a little bit of confidence to do that as well.

Christopher [00:15:49]:

Do you remember the moment it hit you? There's this wall of fear in front of me, and embarrassment, and what I've gone through? Do you remember the moment when it hit you that I have to break through this and I have to tell my story out into the open? Out into the open. Do you remember what happened there?

Lauren Wellbank [00:16:08]:

I do. I do. So I don't remember his name. This is a ridiculous story. But I was watching the news, and it was Hope Hicks. She was one of President Trump's advisors or something, and she had begun dating this man. And they were talking about how this man had a history of abuse, and they worked together. And that was exactly what happened to me.

Lauren Wellbank [00:16:33]:

I started dating a man that I worked with, that I had known for years. He had a history of abuse, but I didn't know because nobody had told me. And I remember watching the news and thinking, did somebody tell her that was there? It seems like it was the worst-kept secret in the world that this man had a history of domestic violence. Did she know? Did somebody tell her when they found out she was dating? And it just was eating at me and eating at me and eating at me, and it was like a light bulb went off. And I can tell her, not Hope Hicks, but I can tell the world that there are men among us who are bad, and it's not our fault, and it's not our fault that we got into that relationship. So that was the moment. And I know that it is an odd circumstance to be inspired by that, but that's exactly what it was. And I just felt like it was something I could do at a time when I didn't feel like I had a lot of power.

Christopher [00:17:31]:

So thank you.

Heather [00:17:34]:

It is interesting, the moments that just kind of hit us like that's the moment because I've in, in women who have chatted with me around these relationships, one of the things that I think they grapple with is when, if and when you're ready to share your story again, as you said, with safety in mind and all of the re. Victimization can happen around where to place the blame, and where society often does. And so I, I've encouraged in the past, you know, just how she's feeling, you know, like what she's ready for. Because I sometimes think there's pressure to speak up, because they don't want it to continue to happen to other women. And I honor that. And I think that, like you said, there's something very powerful about not staying silent. And the silence really helps the abuser. But just for women who may be grappling with, or anyone who's in an abusive relationship, and grappling with how and when to share their story.

Heather [00:18:43]:

Do you have some insights on that part of your journey?

Lauren Wellbank [00:18:47]:

I would say that nobody's required to share their story. Nobody's required to open themselves up in that way. It's like slitting a vein and bleeding out. Not everybody needs to do that. Not everybody can do that. Not everybody wants to do that. And I think that that's okay. But finding somebody.

Lauren Wellbank [00:19:04]:

I just recently started therapy three months ago. I should have been in therapy years ago when all of this happened, but I never had that drive to go. As I've gotten older and become a parent, I've become very aware of how important my own mental health is to the people around me. So I got into therapy. And having somebody to talk to, even if it's a therapist that you're paying, is something that everybody can benefit from. But I think that victims and survivors can especially benefit, because then you can not only learn how to work through that shame, but you don't have to tell the world. You can just tell one person. And that can help free your heart from that weight of the embarrassment and the mourning and the grief.

Lauren Wellbank [00:19:51]:

Because there was also. There's a grieving process because the person that you fell in love with, who turned out to be abusive, you grieve that person that you fell in love with. So it's just that there are so many complicated layers to it. So I would. I would encourage anybody who is either in it or freshly out of it. Just all you need is to find one person to tell. You don't have to tell the world, but if you find one person, that'll help.

Christopher [00:20:17]:

Lauren, let me ask you this question. So you have a couple of daughters?

Lauren Wellbank [00:20:20]:

I do. I have two daughters and a son.

Christopher [00:20:22]:

So as. As a mom, with your experience and what you've experienced, how do you prepare your daughters for their lives in relationships? What can you say?

Lauren Wellbank [00:20:35]:

So, one of the biggest things that both my husband and I push is that love shouldn't hurt. If. And that doesn't necessarily mean physical. If somebody makes you feel bad because they say mean things, that's not love. If somebody is physically violent, obviously, that's not love either. And we talk a lot about consent. Nothing should happen that you don't want to happen. So we.

Lauren Wellbank [00:20:58]:

That's Kind of the foundation. So my oldest is only 9 years old, so she's still a ways away from dating. But that's the foundation that we want them to enter into all of their relationships with, even friendships because nobody should hurt you that cares about you. So we want to just teach them that that's first and foremost, and nobody deserves to be hurt.

Christopher [00:21:19]:

So your parents loved you, but they never gave you that wisdom.

Lauren Wellbank [00:21:24]:

I don't know. I'm very cautious about putting the blame on my upbringing because I don't think that that played a role. I think having a strong relationship with my parents and having parents who love me unconditionally is what allowed me to get out. I don't think that they did anything wrong that caused me to get into that relationship, but having them be the person, the people that they are helped me to get out. So, one of the ways that I think about domestic violence is like a car accident. I didn't ask to be T boned. It just happened.

Lauren Wellbank [00:21:59]:

You can't frame it as I was raised wrong, so I ended up in an abusive relationship, or I had daddy issues. So I looked for a man who would take control. It doesn't always work that way. That's kind of just some of the myths that we've allowed to be perpetrated about or that we've allowed to just continue on about domestic violence, because I think it's easier to believe that than it is to believe that some people just want to hurt you.

Christopher [00:22:30]:

Thanks for clarifying that. There is a myth about that, and an understanding that people don't really understand. So thank you for that.

Lauren Wellbank [00:22:37]:

And I would also add, I am loaded with self-confidence, which is probably a little more than I deserve. And it happens to anybody. Like, it really can happen to anybody. It's not. It's not like somebody's looking for an easy target. Usually. It's just they're bad people.

Heather [00:22:57]:

We love to ask our guests, and I'm very interested to see what resonates for you. But we like to ask, what does feminine mean to you?

Lauren Wellbank [00:23:10]:

Feminine means, I would say, nurturing and soft. When I think of femininity, I think of clothing. Like, I think of dainty clothes that are very soft and pretty to look at.

Christopher [00:23:25]:

So, a very traditional view of what that word is and how it looks, I suppose.

Lauren Wellbank [00:23:32]:

I think that when you talk about things being feminine, it's also very demure and subjugated. And it's a concept where you're quiet, and you are reserved. And so I don't think that when I think about feminine, I think of it more as a feeling instead of an action.

Christopher [00:24:01]:

Are you a feminine person, would you say?

Lauren Wellbank [00:24:03]:

I would not say that. I would say I'm a bit of a bull in a china shop.

Christopher [00:24:09]:

We love asking that question because we get so many variants of answers. It's very interesting. We're always very interested in how women themselves hear and translate that word.

Lauren Wellbank [00:24:21]:

Yeah. And I imagine that you probably get a different answer every time we do.

Heather [00:24:27]:

Yeah. Part of the kind of foundations of the show is to understand what it means to women, like whether that's just what it's been traditionally or if they've remolded it to be something that's more true to who they are, or if elements have shackled you to be a certain way, or maybe you just completely broke free of those shackles and rejected the word. All of those things we find very interesting and how to not see it one way. So that's why we appreciate your thoughts on it.

Lauren Wellbank [00:25:03]:

That's a good question. I like that.

Christopher [00:25:06]:

It's a question we find that women live under but never ask themselves.

Lauren Wellbank [00:25:11]:

That makes sense.

Christopher [00:25:11]:

Right? You just assume this is what I am because gender tells me that's what I'm supposed to be, or I reject it. I know what it is, but I'm not that. Right. So there are all these variants. So, for people who don't know Lauren Welbank, what's the best way to get to know your work?

Lauren Wellbank [00:25:33]:

You can Google me, and there's a lot of really fun stuff and a lot of really embarrassing stuff that will pop up. I have been working on a memoir about my life as a victim of domestic violence, and I have written several personal essays about it. So, it depends on what you're looking to learn about me because you can find that, or you can find stories about my traumatic childbirth and all of that. But there's. I'm doing my best to take some of the things that have happened to me and to tell those stories so that other people who are going through this don't feel alone. Because unfortunately, so many of us keep these hard things to ourselves because of shame, embarrassment, or because we've been taught not to talk about that stuff.

Christopher [00:26:23]:

And I know that that is not all that you do and all that you are. So, what other things do you present out into the world that people can look for?

Lauren Wellbank [00:26:32]:

If you do Google me, you will notice that I write a lot of how-tos and explanations on how to do stuff.

Christopher [00:26:38]:

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. It's like there's stuff that you offer that is, you know, universal to anyone.

Lauren Wellbank [00:26:45]:

So, yes, there's a lot out there. Just Google me.

Christopher [00:26:51]:

I like that. Lauren, this is always a difficult topic to talk about because we're getting beneath the skin, down to some dark spaces where people have been in their lives. But as you say, and you've said in your writing, it's important to talk about these things because you're not alone in whatever it is you're going through. You may feel like it; however, there's someone else who's gone through what you've gone through and has come out the other side. You're one of those people who has come out the other side. And it's important that people like you share where you've been. So we can't thank you enough for having that courage and taking a path that few people will take to share where they've been as far as their hurt is concerned.

Christopher [00:27:46]:

So we cannot thank you enough for taking the time to expose that part of yourself because of what it can do for others. We appreciate that.

Lauren Wellbank [00:27:55]:

Well, and thank you for giving me a platform to do it. Hopefully, if only one person hears this who needed to hear it, I hope that they get a chance to listen to my story and know that they're not alone.

Christopher [00:28:04]:

Amen.

Heather [00:28:05]:

Yeah. It was so wonderful to meet you. Thank you again for your insights. I'll be checking you out for the how-tos and everything else. So I really appreciate your time today.

Lauren Wellbank [00:28:16]:

Thank you.

Christopher [00:28:17]:

And we're going to put this on YouTube because people need to see your smile. Like, your smile just lights up the world. It's amazing.

Lauren Wellbank [00:28:25]:

Thank you. I actually do hear that a lot. Thank you.

Christopher [00:28:29]:

So you get to check that out. You gotta. You gotta see Lauren's smile. It's just beautiful. So thank you so much.

Lauren Wellbank [00:28:35]:

Thank you.

Christopher [00:28:36]:

And you have been listening to the.

Heather [00:28:38]:

Virgin, the Beauty, and you got to.

Christopher [00:28:41]:

Find Us, Like Us, and then you want to Share Us, and then you want to come on back with all your friends. To become a partner in the VBB community, we invite you to find us @ virginbeautybitch.com. Like us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, and share us with people who are Definetly Different, like you.

Until next time, thanks for listening.

TRANSCRIPT