VBB 341 Dianne Harris - Beware The Love Bomber!

Intro [00:00:01]:

Virgin Beauty Podcast: inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique life experiences without fear of being defiantly different.

Your hosts, Christopher and Heather. Let's talk, shall we?

Christopher [00:00:15]:

Nobody gets out of life alive, and no one gets to live a life without pain. But pain does not need to be our death sentence. In fact, our pain can be the spark of our life purpose. And if you don't believe me, well, we opened that conversation with certified life coach, author, and entrepreneur Deanne Harris. Welcome, Deanne, to Virgin Beauty. Bitch.

Deanne Harris [00:00:47]:

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so very excited to have this conversation with you today.

Christopher [00:00:52]:

Thank you for being here. We really enjoy having people speak about things that they've lived through and gone through that can help others. Now, Deanne, I believe no healthy person seeks out pain, but pain, it seems, is inevitable for a life well lived. How did you come to see your pain as more than suffering and appreciate it as alchemy for your life purpose?

Deanne Harris [00:01:19]:

That's a great question. I had gone through a very difficult period in my life with an emotionally abusive relationship, marriage, and once I was out of that, I really had to do a deep dive into my own soul to figure out how that happened. Why did I allow it and continue to allow it over the course of 10 years? So I wanted to figure out the purpose of that pain, if you will, and you're so much smarter and wiser on the other side of it.

Christopher [00:01:58]:

I think a lot of people go through self-blame, like, how stupid could I be? All these kinds of questions for themselves, overcoming that, like a lot of people, never overcome just that hurdle. How did you manage to get past that for yourself?

Deanne Harris [00:02:17]:

With a lot of therapy, and coaching, and self-reflection was probably the biggest thing. In all of my years of dating, I've had two marriages and many relationships. I came to the conclusion that, of course, I was the common denominator, and why were they all failing? What was my part in it? And once I really dove down that road of acceptance and self-reflection of what my role was in each relationship and going back a little bit into like my inner child and my, you know, upbringing, it started to make sense of kind of where all this, these decisions came from.

Heather [00:03:03]:

And so, you know, I think that that resonates with a lot of people and their relationships where, you know, we've heard for so long that there are many people in verbally or emotionally abusive relationships and it's harder for them to identify exactly what they're feeling, especially if they've been gaslit or made to feel like it was their fault. You know that when physical abuse is there, you know, it's very clear what damage is being done. But the damage that's being done with the erosion of self and the erosion of self-purpose that comes with emotional abuse. What kind of, what was a turning point for you that you started to identify that this was indeed what was happening? And then, like if you could help share any like concrete steps that you took from there, I mean, certainly even things that you found particularly illuminating in the therapy that you were doing, like those details I find very helpful for our listeners.

Deanne Harris [00:04:03]:

There was not just one moment. First of all, it was years and years of, you know, what gaslighting turns into self-gaslighting. So you're like questioning your own memory and your own thoughts. And it's a really vicious cycle. And with any type of abusive relationship, there's a cycle of abuse. So there's the incident, the tension, the incident, and then the honeymoon after. And so it's just that we keep repeating it. So that's what you're in this tornado of confusion.

Deanne Harris [00:04:34]:

So there's this hope that you stay, you know, you stay in the good part. So I think it was, it was a series of probably hundreds of events and times where I just said I couldn't do it anymore. And once I really learned about what emotional abuse was, that's when I was like, oh my God, this is what's happening to me. Because I did not have a word for it. In fact, I was trying to fix the wrong problem versus the right problem. So. And to answer your question about my therapist, to be honest, I hired my first life coach while I was in a life coaching certification program during COVID lockdown. So, five years ago, and this man had a podcast on love and abuse.

Deanne Harris [00:05:23]:

And so I listened to that and I learned a lot. And I'm like, this is what's happening to me in my relationship. And you know, the very subtle covert manipulation tactics that just erode your self-worth, your self-esteem, and your confidence. And so it's definitely not one big thing. It's an insidious series of events.

Heather [00:05:45]:

And you say that there was like, when you talk about emotional abuse as not what you were trying to fix, but you were trying to fix something else. Would you mind sharing what that was?

Deanne Harris [00:05:56]:

Yes, absolutely. So when the emotional abuse started, a lot of times it was when my partner had been drinking. And so I was like, oh well, maybe he's just an angry drunk, right? So let's like make sure he doesn't drink too much. And then when it started happening when he wasn't drinking and he was sober, I then diagnosed him with an anger management issue. Right. Because he was angry and he would blow up and he'd go on full-blown rages. So I'm like, let's, okay, now it's an anger-management issue, so let's see if we can fix that problem.

Deanne Harris [00:06:30]:

And so, admittedly, I was the helper, fixer, saver, changer through the relationship. So, in with my heart. But I do see now where I went wrong. Because if I just believed the way that the person was showing up the first time, and that's what, how they were, that's who they were, then I wouldn't have stayed for so long. I think women can fall into giving chance after chance after chance, and that's not the right way to go.

Christopher [00:07:05]:

Interesting to me that you, you've been now a life coach for like five years or so?

Deanne Harris [00:07:11]:

Yes, right.

Christopher [00:07:11]:

But you were actually a Life coach for 30 years because you were a salon owner and hairstyler, so you had to sit behind the chair. And I'm sure you heard these stories ad nauseam over and over and over and over again. Did you ever apply them to your own, or were they just separate from your life?

Deanne Harris [00:07:34]:

I would say they were separate from my life. I kept that separate. And I did hear a lot of different stories, never of any of my clients, I believe, getting abused. So there was divorces, there was a lot of cheating, there was illnesses, there was death, you know, but I think that women don't know how to talk about it.

Christopher [00:07:57]:

Yeah, that's critical. That's a critical part because it sounds to me like they will talk about the aftermath, what happened, but not what was happening.

Deanne Harris [00:08:07]:

Absolutely right, yeah.

Christopher [00:08:09]:

How do we get women to talk about these things? What can we do to encourage that story to come to the surface?

Deanne Harris [00:08:21]:

I think by talking about it and by like, you know, in some of my social media posts, I'm very vulnerable, I'm very honest. Even being out of the relationship just so other people can see that there is another side to it. You can get out and just beat by awareness by talking about it. I am writing a book about it, so I hope that will serve many people.

Christopher [00:08:43]:

Give us the title because it's great. Give us the title.

Deanne Harris [00:08:46]:

You want the title? The title is awesome. Um, we were talking about the title of your podcast, and so, yes, there's definitely meaning behind it, and the title is called Love Bomb. And I have a fantastic subtitle. But I'm going to keep that a secret?

Christopher [00:09:02]:

Oh, okay.

Deanne Harris [00:09:02]:

Because the book is not quite done yet. So it's called Love Bomb. Do you two know what love bombing is?

Heather [00:09:10]:

We do, but tell our listeners.

Deanne Harris [00:09:12]:

Okay, so love bombing is a manipulation tactic usually used in the beginning of a relationship to gain control over the other person through excessive compliments, excessive gifts, flattery, and it's to get them to trust them so they have control.

Christopher [00:09:35]:

You know what love bombing sounds like to me? It sounds like chivalry being weaponized, basically.

Deanne Harris [00:09:41]:

That's what it is. Really? Mm, yeah.

Heather [00:09:44]:

Over the top kind of adoration, and seeing how they can quickly hook you emotionally.

Deanne Harris [00:09:50]:

Absolutely. Get your trust and then, you know, it's a cycle. Right. So the love bombing is in the cycle of abuse. So it continues. It continues throughout the relationship.

Christopher [00:10:02]:

How can someone be aware of when they are being carpet bombed by love?

Deanne Harris [00:10:12]:

That's what I teach my clients. It's if it feels too good to be true, and I hate to say this, especially in the beginning of a relationship, it could be, it could be good, too good to be true. So pay attention to that. It could be a red flag. It could at least be an orange flag, because I don't think we should be receiving gifts really early on in a relationship. Like a diamond necklace, three months in is not, I don't think, the right gift to receive in a new relationship. I guess it depends.

Deanne Harris [00:10:44]:

I mean, there could be, there could be a guy that is not love bombing and doing that, but I think there's a time and a place for those types of gifts. And then the excessive adoration and flattery and attention, you know, I think you really have to listen to your intuition and how it makes you feel. I did feel uneasy about those things, but I talked myself out of it because I said I deserved it. I deserve this. I'm in love.

Christopher [00:11:13]:

You know, thanks for that distinction.

Heather [00:11:15]:

I think that really is kind of at the heart of why people who use it as a mechanism of control know that it works so well, that in a society where women often give so much to, you know, relationships, to friends, friends, to family, to our work, balancing unpaid work, that when somebody kind of recognizes that you deserve to be spoiled or, you know, overly like, given a lot of attention, it can feel nice and it can feel like, wow, this person is really appreciating me in ways that people have overlooked me or undermined me in the past. So I can see, like the. The psychological hooks, so to speak. So I like what you've said just in that, you know, while it can be something that is, is genuine, to be mindful of, of the other actions. Because, you know, in many experiences, like you've said, you know, you want the good to be all the time. Right. And you. I feel like we kind of diminish how bad the bad really is because you're so wanting to go back to that honeymoon or to the love bomb, that this is who this person really is.

Heather [00:12:34]:

It's the good stuff. And then this is just a section of who they are, and we can work on that section when really there's a whole person to look at.

Deanne Harris [00:12:44]:

There is. And unfortunately, with the love bombing, the second part of it is when they use those things that they've given you, or the compliments, or the gifts, or the trips as a weapon against you. So that's, it's almost like love bombing 2.0. Like so, you get the gifts and the trips and the affection, but then if during the heat of the moment, when there's abuse, it's, you know, verbal or emotional abuse, it's, you know, I did this for you, I did that for you. So it's like that's tough. That really creates, it creates some confusion.

Heather [00:13:21]:

Yeah, yeah. When there's always strings attached and you kind of owe me for everything that I've given you, and you should be able to deal with this hard part of me because. And how I treat you, because look at all the other things I've done for you, and I think that that is like it's damaging for not only that relationship and what it's doing to you, but it's damaging for other relationships because. Because then, when people offer you things or want to do nice things and gestures that don't have strings attached, it's very hard to believe them because you're so accustomed to generosity, being tied to later abuse, or finding something that they can hold over you.

Deanne Harris [00:14:00]:

Very true.

Christopher [00:14:01]:

So tell us about the Empowered Woman Method: Six steps to heal, reclaim your power, and receive healthy love.

Deanne Harris [00:14:08]:

Yes. So that's my healing program, and that's where I have women come in and we do a lot of work on healing and releasing the past and getting back their confidence and their self-worth and learning what boundaries and discernment are personally with yourself and also in a relationship. And then towards the end of the coaching program, we can talk about if they're ready, maybe to start dating. But they must have their self-love really in check because that's the key. The key to loving and knowing yourself is the self-love.

Heather [00:14:53]:

I mean, you've put it in such a great kind of nutshell, but there's so much to what you just said there. You know, when it's self-assuredness, that's, that's home built not from other people's validation, but really how you view yourself and your capacities and the way you grow, the way you make mistakes, it's, you know, it's a game changer in every way.

Deanne Harris [00:15:22]:

It absolutely is. Yeah. Women tend to abandon themselves in these types of relationships, so. And exactly what I did.

Christopher [00:15:30]:

Well, you're sort of encouraged through the lore of romance to do exactly that. Let someone else lead your life, basically.

Deanne Harris [00:15:41]:

Yeah. And the whole time I was trying to get this person to love themselves because I knew that they didn't because of their childhood trauma. And as I'm trying to, of course, fix him, I'm. I lost myself in that. Because you can't, you can't have both. You can't, you can't be doing both. So that's why I put myself on the back burner and abandoned myself, and never again. You shouldn't have to do that in a healthy relationship.

Heather [00:16:13]:

Yeah. Like in a healthy relationship, knowing that both people can have a challenging past, but that they've each seen it as their own responsibility, ability to do the work for themselves and on themselves. So that when each other is going through a challenging point in life, you take turns in being able to show up for each other.

Deanne Harris [00:16:33]:

Yes.

Christopher [00:16:35]:

From a healthy space. Yes.

Heather [00:16:38]:

Reciprocity, I feel, is something that I'm very attuned to being much more mindful of than I was, you know, earlier on in life. Because I feel that people who are traumatized, like so many of us are, but haven't done any work to kind of fill those holes and those gaps, they will suck you dry, and it won't stop.

Deanne Harris [00:17:00]:

Yes, yes, yes. I love that word reciprocity. That is definitely one of my words that I use often.

Heather [00:17:08]:

It's a good one. It just feels good. Just the concept of it feels good.

Deanne Harris [00:17:12]:

It's a good word. Yeah. Yeah.

Heather [00:17:16]:

So one of the questions we love to ask our guests, Deanne, is What does Feminine mean to you?

Deanne Harris [00:17:24]:

Well, I thought I was thinking about this, and the word feminine has changed many times in my life, but right now, in my life, it means standing strong in my self-worth while staying open to a safe, secure relationship in the future. And that, that is for me, with me personally and with a lot of clients that I coach. It's also about owning my power as a strong woman and honoring my intuition. That's so important. And allowing space for the right masculine energy to come into my life someday, and knowing my values and knowing my boundaries, and having that discernment that is so important when you're choosing who your partner is.

Christopher [00:18:11]:

Can you give us a glimpse as to what it used to mean before this revelation?

Deanne Harris [00:18:16]:

I feel like being feminine, like maybe when I was a younger woman, meant, you know, being pretty, being treated like a lady, you know, not talking back to people, not just about looks, but just being a woman, being, you know, being a woman. But now I feel like I take it now, and I'm thinking about what's going on on the inside versus the outside, you know, because a woman can look feminine on the outside, but on the inside she seems to feel it.

Christopher [00:18:45]:

So, has your definition of woman or womanhood shifted?

Deanne Harris [00:18:49]:

It has because I've always been called a strong woman, but I certainly didn't feel that way in the toxic relationship, marriage I was in. So now I feel like I, as a woman, you know, I have three children that are almost all grown, and it's my time. It's my time to take care of myself. I've been. Have had two divorces in my life, and it's about becoming the next level woman for me, that has my own back and has full self-trust.

Christopher [00:19:26]:

That's phenomenal because Heather and I are working on a project together to bring that woman that you just identified to the forefront and leave some of the traditions that have made women so vulnerable. So we love that definition that you just gave because that is where we are headed and want to bring others along with us. So thank you for resonating with us on that.

Deanne Harris [00:19:59]:

Thank you. I guess we're on the same page. Yeah.

Heather [00:20:04]:

Part of the same tribe. I love that.

Christopher [00:20:07]:

It's like I told you before, like some people see our name and they are turned off by the words. Those are not people that obviously resonate with the positive message that we want to bring to these words that have been so damaging for women over centuries. Someone like you, who, before we even meet, before we even speak a word to each other, we're obviously looking in the same direction and resonating on the same frequency. And that means a lot to us to have someone like you recognize us just in our name, trust us, and then submit yourself to being part of this journey that you are on and we are on together. So thank you for that.

Deanne Harris [00:20:56]:

Thank you, Christopher. Very nice words. Appreciate that.

Heather [00:21:00]:

Yes. Even though they, you know, these words in our name, they do hold a lot of weight, especially with the historical underpinnings. You know, the ways that women in particular have either reclaimed or shifted or reimagined these, these words are very powerful. And in their own ways, these words have walked through the fire of some of what you've spoken about like that, that moving from surface level of what womanhood or what these words mean to a completely different understanding of the power that it can hold for you. Not based on anybody else's needs of you, but what you want to see from yourself.

Christopher [00:21:44]:

Absolutely. So thank you for taking your time, your patience, and your understanding, and sharing with us something that we deeply, from the bottom of our hearts, believe in and march strongly towards that, sharing that with others.

Deanne Harris [00:22:04]:

Thank you so much for having this show. I mean, it's amazing, and I love your mission, your collected mission together.

Christopher [00:22:11]:

Thank you so much. And this kumbaya moment was brought to you by.

Heather [00:22:15]:

The Virgin,

Christopher

The Beauty.

Heather

And the Bitch

Christopher [00:22:19]:

Find us. Like us. Share us. Please come on back. To become a partner in the VBB community, we invite you to find us @virginbeautybitch.com, like us on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, and share us with people who are defiantly different like you. Until next time, thanks for listening.