VBB 333 Laura Jane Layton: Reflects On Where Self-Worth Really Begins!

Intro [00:00:01]:

Virgin Beauty Podcast: inspiring women to overcome social stereotypes and share unique life experiences without fear of being defiantly different.

Your hosts, Christopher and Heather.

Let's talk, shall we?

Christopher [00:00:20]:

Snow White, the live-action movie, came out earlier this year under clouds of controversy, and it failed spectacularly. However, there's a timeless theme in Snow White that every woman can identify with. It's looking in the mirror each morning with a wish to be the fairest of them all. Or at least the fairest you can be. But does this simple message and gesture set women on a path for external validation when the true measure of personal value comes not from looking in a mirror but from looking within? It's a question we raise with personal life coach Laura Jane Layton. Welcome, Laura, to Virgin Beauty. Bitch.

Laura Jane Layton [00:01:03]:

Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Christopher [00:01:06]:

We are very, very happy to have you. Now, Laura, reading into your life story, there's a powerful statement describing your former life, which I believe that most, if not all, women can identify with. And that is, in your words, a desire for external validation, the weight of others' expectations, the burden of self-hate, and the yearning for a different life. What do you believe sets you up for a life that sounds so profoundly burdensome?

Laura Jane Layton [00:01:35]:

You know, we all have that stuff happen, and I think it's to give us strength, you know. To, as we're going through it, it's crap, I don't want this to happen. I want it to stop. But when you reflect years later, it's like, oh, that was my strongest moment. Oh, that was when I did this. I can reflect back and go, wow, I did something really cool, and I'm a better person because of it. And so even though we have all these crazy things that hit us in the face, and you know, it's all that upbringing, you know, if you want to be liked, you need to act like this. If you want to be loved, you need to act like this. If you need, we have these things that are told to us that we need to be like, and we honestly think it's true.

Laura Jane Layton [00:02:24]:

And like I keep telling my clients, create your own measuring stick. It's you, you do not need to measure up to somebody else's definition of success. What is yours? What do you want to be successful at? And so it's finding those things that I've gone through that have just made me feel worthless at the moment, but in the long run, gave me the greatest strength. You know, it's like, how many times do I need to hit rock bottom? Come on, I'm done.

Christopher [00:03:08]:

Where did the switch come from? Where did the change come from? The point where you hit the bottom that one time, and you said, No more. What happened there?

Laura Jane Layton [00:03:19]:

You know, I wasn't paying attention to my own check engine lights. I was having things happen within my body that were saying, slow down. Don't do this. But I thought, you know, I'll just rev it up. I'm going to keep going because once I hit that gas pedal, the light goes off, and it's gone. So, it must not really be anything. And then you end up in the hospital. You know, it's like if someone ever would have said, you know, could you give me $400,000 and lie in bed for three days? Because that's what you need to do.

Laura Jane Layton [00:03:54]:

Like, no, I don't have that money, and I don't have that time. But when it hits you, you have the money, and you have the time. And so that experience taught me to do it before. And why do most of us wait until it slaps us in the face? And it's some major thing that's saying, okay, life is more important than ignoring all these things that are going on? And so it was that experience of having to be physically fixed by somebody else that put me in the no longer, I'm not going to let someone else tell me that I can't leave the office until my work's done. I leave when I'm ready. I kind of do it my way.

Laura Jane Layton [00:04:50]:

And that stubborn person got even more stubborn.

Heather [00:04:56]:

I mean, what I hear from you and your story, and something that really resonates with me, is the concept of the hustle was a lie, that we live in this culture where we're no longer human beings; we're humans doing. And the more output or productivity that you have, the more value you are to your company, to the systems of power, to the person at the top of the chain who's ultimately making quite a bit of money off of your work. So, what do you feel is the lie behind hustle culture that no one really wants to admit?

Laura Jane Layton [00:05:39]:

You know, the lie is that it's the only way to be successful. You can be successful doing it another way.

Laura Jane Layton [00:05:48]:

I struggled through school, getting good grades. I struggled to measure up to all these other people's expectations. And then all of a sudden, it's like, does it even matter? Does it really matter? No. What that person wants is for their movie to be better. So I'll just step out of it. I can do this myself. I can do my own movie and bring in the people that I want to shine. And so I think knowing that I can be an extra in somebody else's movie or I can be the director of mine, and I'm choosing now to be the director of mine.

Christopher [00:06:34]:

When you're working with clients, I'm not sure if you're working with primarily men or primarily women.

Laura Jane Layton [00:06:42]:

I don't have any men at the time. I think women have a greater desire to get out there and fix themselves.

Christopher [00:06:54]:

Why is that? Why do you believe that is?

Laura Jane Layton [00:06:58]:

I don't know. But I find that more women are interested in exploring. I'm gonna call it the woo. You know, that's not scientific. This is how everything's gonna work. But that, what may work, you know, all these modalities that are not scientific, that do make you feel better, you know, and if it makes you feel better, do it. And I think, well, and I'll just use my husband as an example.

Laura Jane Layton [00:07:35]:

He doesn't want to do those things. Feels like it's embarrassing. It's like I invited him to go to a retreat with me, and it's like, are there going to be any other guys there? Like, I'm not interested if it's all women. And I go, I don't know. I didn't sign up because it was a girl-only event. So I just, the people I personally know are those people who say no. And so I just assume that it's further out than that. And that's my bad.

Laura Jane Layton [00:08:10]:

You know, there are some amazing guys out there who want to share their insights.

Christopher [00:08:17]:

I see it sometimes. I mean, we talk about, we use words like patriarchy and so on. I see it as a playground that was built by boys, and girls are just expected to adapt to it. Right? Is that what you're finding? I mean, if you have to adapt to someone else's process, does that not make you want all the time?

Laura Jane Layton [00:08:47]:

It did me. Absolutely, it did me. And I know people who are very happy pleasing other people. But it got to the point where there was no me in my life anymore. I felt very robotic. You cannot have emotions, you cannot have any fun. You just got to get all this stuff done, and you get up early, and you know that my biggest freedom thing was when my kids finally could drive, and I no longer had to be a taxi. Like, yes.

Laura Jane Layton [00:09:21]:

You know, and then maybe the kids are like, oh, he spoiled, he got his own car. No, his mom quit her job. So he is like, what is the, you know, I quit worrying about what other parents were thinking. It's like, this helps me. This is for me. And that's kind of where I think all of us need to be, is what is it that's going to help you? And tuning into it, what you know, because we're all different. You know, I could tell somebody I love you, and they could immediately clam up and go, I don't want to be loved. That means you're going to beat me later, you know, because of their history.

Laura Jane Layton [00:10:06]:

And so, how do we get out of that history and accept, like, oh, it's okay not to express certain words to people that trigger them? It's like, we love fireworks, but what does it do to our PTSD, you know, our people that hate them? They can't take it. It's war to them. And it's knowing that I can give other people a safe place to be who they are without anything else getting in the way. And I think that's what my goal in life and my mission is to give others a safe place, a place where they can be who they are and learn and explore about themselves, to become their best self.

Christopher [00:10:57]:

So what is that for you? How does that work for you? Obviously, as you say, every individual is different. How do you find what is going to connect that person to the outcome that they are hoping to find?

Laura Jane Layton [00:11:11]:

I don't find it. I just ask lots of questions. And I think that as we ask questions and allow people to have the time to reflect and to come up with the answer and not just a bullshit answer that sounds good right now, but what is it that is really going on and how do I. How do I fix it? You know, I can tell you external things you can't change. You can't change what's going to come. You can only change how you respond. And I will tell you a little story about that. I used to get so mad at my husband because he'd take the garbage out, and he wouldn't put a garbage bag in. I was like, can't you just put a garbage bag in? Because now I'm putting garbage down, and I have to put this in.

Laura Jane Layton [00:12:07]:

And years go by, and I'm always mad at my husband for this one stupid thing. So, one day I decided it's my job. I never have to ask him to take the garbage out. Why do I think he has to do it all? I should be thankful that he did the job one, and I'll put the garbage back in. So if he comes in and he says, oh, I forgot to put a garbage tag in, don't worry about it. It's my job. It's like, I got this.

Laura Jane Layton [00:12:33]:

I am now taking something that triggered me weekly, if not multiple times a week, as God, can't you just do it too, it's okay now. And by changing my response and my expectation, I changed our relationship. Well, you know, we had to do lots of stuff. It wasn't just one thing, but that's a simple one that people could identify with. What is it like, oh, crap, he left the drawer open to the spoons again. Can he not shut it? It's my job to shut them. It's okay.

Laura Jane Layton [00:13:10]:

It's not worth a divorce or hating each other. I can fix it. I can let. I can do that part. And so it's like, let's grow together.

Heather [00:13:20]:

In looking at your website and what you have brought forward, you've developed the BFF coaching method. And, you know, BFF makes me think, you know, Best Friends Forever. But in this context, it means being your own best friend. Can you walk us through, like, what that is all about and this method that you've come up with?

Laura Jane Layton [00:13:47]:

Well, it wasn't a method, so maybe I need to fix up the website a little bit. What I found is I no longer need any additional coaching clients. You know, I have my podcast, and I decided that all the coaches that I've ever interviewed on my podcast can have a place on my website because I don't need the work. So why not let somebody go out and listen to their episode and figure out if I kind of like this person? Or, you know, we have those things from history that trigger us. And it's just somebody's style might remind us of a bully at school. So give them an opportunity to kind of feel out who the coaches are and then pick one that's right for them. And so I don't do anything. It's completely 100% free to anybody who's been on my show.

Laura Jane Layton [00:14:37]:

They can put their information out there, and it's just a resource for them. So I have. I choose to silence my inner bully, and that's how I coach my clients. It's that thing that we're saying to ourselves that means we'ren't taking care of ourselves, and change that up to a friendly voice? It's not getting rid of the voice. It's changing it. It's like becoming your best friend. And if I just fell down and people around me are laughing, what would your best friend do? We've got this? Let me help you out. Let's go.

Laura Jane Layton [00:15:17]:

This doesn't matter, but we might go, oh, my gosh, I'm a klutz. Everybody thinks I'm an idiot. I'm not going to be able to make it through the day because they saw me fall down, and I have dirt on my shirt. We think about it, and we overanalyze when it doesn't even matter. And our best friends wouldn't let us do that. My coaching method is, how do we be more friendly to ourselves?

Christopher [00:15:42]:

Beautiful. Beautiful. Simple.

Laura Jane Layton [00:15:47]:

It is. And it's just changing the words we say. One of the first things we say is, stop saying sorry. I walk into a meeting late, and it's like, thank you for waiting for me, or thank you for, you know, starting without me. What is it? I used to say sorry to the wall. Come on, the wall didn't even know it did anything, but I ran into it. So it's what it is, so where I can take the shame that I learned as a child and turn it into command presence.

Laura Jane Layton [00:16:09]:

If someone calls you as a customer service rep and you're like, oh, I'm so sorry that helped that that happened to you, you're acknowledging we did something wrong. If you say, oh, my gosh, thank you so much for bringing that to our attention so that we can fix this from happening again. What is the difference? And that's how we need to start talking to ourselves. I don't want to be shameful. I want to be appreciative, learn from it, and focus on the good. Why do we always look for the bad? I try to always find one thing good. If someone's starting to piss me off at, like, a grocery store or a waitress or something's really bugging me, it's like, what can I think of good at them? What can I think is good? Okay, those are really cute shoes.

Laura Jane Layton [00:17:10]:

Or, you know, what is it? Change my thought process to be a thought process. It's more positive.

Christopher [00:17:20]:

I really appreciate that because, at the end of the day, okay, so we're all brought up to believe that the external world is what makes our world. When you have discovered that it's your internal world that makes the world, it is such a simple switch. But now we've been conditioned for so long to expect or whatever gratification to come from the outside world. How long did it take you to make that switch?

Laura Jane Layton [00:17:58]:

Oh, you know what? It's one thing at a time, and I'm still switching. I'm not perfect. I still have stuff that I think about, and I get frustrated, or I feel like I'm having a sad day, and I try to pretend like I am the sunshine and my body is on the earth, and it might be a cloudy day, but I am still shining. It might be rainy and miserable, but I am still shiny. It's like my experience: this body is this earth, but I never stop shining. And if I can remember that, it's like, okay, let the shine through, not the rain, not the wind. Those are going to happen. But remember that you're still shining.

Christopher [00:18:52]:

I'm happy that you say you're not perfect because people listen. I mean, people listen to someone like yourself who's grown so much through your experiences and has gained so much wisdom, and we think that they walk on water, right? So it's really comforting to know that you're still one of us.

Laura Jane Layton [00:19:15]:

I am not perfect, but I do a few things perfectly. Just might not see them.

Heather [00:19:26]:

Well, I.

Laura Jane Layton [00:19:27]:

You can even make mistakes perfectly.

Christopher [00:19:30]:

True.

Heather [00:19:31]:

Yeah. I do think that so many women, especially, hold themselves to this idea of perfectionism and people-pleasing. Like you said, saying sorry like it's the second word in our vocabulary to me kind of feels like a programming to stay complicit. I think I struggle with the idea of external and internal forces in that there are many people in the world at different levels of power and influence. And I feel that the people who have a great deal of power and influence know that they can influence the external world, and it isn't something that just happens to them. They are an active agent in what shapes interactions, people's lives, and people's decisions. And sometimes I feel that when women see or focus on, you know, changing solely our internal dialogue, although I do believe that is the most important thing to change that sometimes what's like left or like the baby with the bath water is, is what you can influence externally and what is within your power to use your voice and, and change, you know, what, what gets, what gets shared publicly into the world. So, you know, I, in hearing your experience and you know, being a workaholic for many, many years and having the pivotal moments in your life that as you've described as, as a call, a calling to a different state of self, state of awareness, it sounds to me like almost like a shedding of this kind of people pleasing, over apologetic workaholic into a different chapter of yourself.

Heather [00:21:34]:

And so who do you feel is that person who rose out of the ashes, so to speak, of that workaholic that once was and is the woman that, you know, as you've said, is you're still working on, but what are some of the elements of her that you feel are different?

Laura Jane Layton [00:21:54]:

I think the biggest thing that I feel like is at my core is giving people hope. You know, we're all at a spot. Nobody is completely satisfied with their life because there are so many moments of other people's lives to compare it to, and you don't see the minutes or the seconds that we see of ourselves. And as we're doing all this, it's like there's hope. You know, you can't get rid of the jerks. You're gonna have them, but you're going to experience it. I look at it as, like, washing my windows.

Laura Jane Layton [00:22:41]:

You know, I can let them go for three years, and they're kind of hard to see out. When I washed, I was like, wow, I should have done that months ago, but guess what? In three days, they're dirty again. You know, they don't stay clean. And this work is taking care of washing the window over and over and over again. And it can get tiring. It's like, I thought I learned my lesson on that. It is, here it is again.

Laura Jane Layton [00:23:06]:

I call them the pop quizzes. They're just making sure you really learned it, you know, it's not that they're trying to teach it to you. There's like, did you really learn it? And that's what's important, is knowing we experience these things over and over again so that we can really learn it.

Heather [00:23:27]:

I think that's a beautiful segue into a question we love to ask our guests on this show. Is there a story or a narrative, a perception of one of our words or all three of the Virgin, the Beauty, and the Bitch that resonates with you, maybe where you were, where you are now, and your thoughts on that.

Laura Jane Layton [00:23:58]:

For me, I'm going to use the bitch because I've been that person so much, and sometimes it still kind of haunts me that I don't know those people that I could. When I say don't say sorry, it doesn't mean don't own up to what you did wrong. And there are people out there I don't know how to say sorry to. They're gone. And so I feel bad that it was that moment in time. I once lived right by, and this is when my kids were toddlers, a bus stop, and there were these boys out front, and they were kicking a glass bottle around. And I'm, like, in the house doing, like, oh, my God, it's gonna break in our driveway, and then I'm gonna have to clean it up. And guess who went out to meet the boys? The bitch.

Laura Jane Layton [00:24:55]:

And it was like, here's a broom. Here's a dustpan. Clean it up. Because it had busted in our driveway. And then, for the rest of my life, I knew that every time those boys drove by that house, the bitch lives there. And you just go, it was a moment.

Laura Jane Layton [00:25:20]:

I've been beautiful for moments. I've been a virgin for moments. I've been all these things for moments. But the ones that haunt me are the bitch.

Christopher [00:25:29]:

That is profound for us, Heather and I, because bitch is a word that we are drilling down to understand more. Hearing your story. I hear a woman who had a concern, who had a premonition that something bad was going to happen because of this behavior. So she went out to mitigate it. But then you call yourself a bitch for mitigating something that you believed was not going to be good if you just let them be who they were. It's interesting that you see that person as the bitch.

Laura Jane Layton [00:26:08]:

Well, I am responsible for how I deliver the message. You are responsible for how you receive it. That message was not delivered with kindness. It wasn't delivered with, I understand you're a boy and you're having fun. It was, I just want you to change, and you're screwing up my life for good right now. And you guys are hoodlums. They didn't need to hear that. So, it's the way I chose to deliver it.

Laura Jane Layton [00:26:40]:

It wasn't the general message or the feel. You know what I really wanted to portray? I wanted to destroy them. At the moment, you guys are idiot kids, and I was an idiot young mother. But it's when I have chosen, you know, it's. And what is a, you know, it's a female dog.

Laura Jane Layton [00:27:01]:

Why do we call that a bitch? Because when it's protecting its puppies, it is vicious? It will keep you away. It will control how you get past a certain date. That's what I was.

Christopher [00:27:17]:

Thanks for that explanation. I mean, as I said, it's a word that we are going to be definitely focusing a great deal of attention on. And there's. There are subtleties. It's not just this word, and it means X. There are subtleties to this word. So, your explanation helps us a great deal in understanding what was behind the message. And how it was delivered, and that's what you are now regretting, so to speak.

Christopher [00:27:46]:

So I really appreciate you explaining that.

Laura Jane Layton [00:27:51]:

Yeah, I would love to be able to deliver all messages with kindness. I'm still working on it.

Heather [00:27:59]:

I really appreciate, you know, the sentiment behind that in a world where, you know, certainly we could use more kindness. And I think the elements of the bitch that Christopher and I explore, and as he said, there's so many different layers and so much conditioning of what we believe the bitch is. And also, a lot of society, you know, is us not wanting to be painted with that brush, and we'll avoid it at all costs. Any behavior that could paint us with that name that we would avoid because we don't want to be labeled with that word. I mean, what's under the surface for Christopher and I is, you know, as you said, that female dog who is protecting her young, and she's going to be fierce in how she does so sometimes when we are called on with other people's actions or perhaps an injustice in the world or just something we're very passionate about, that there is a place in this world for women's anger. And if you're feeling something inside that doesn't feel right and you need to articulate, you know, that it's stepping over a boundary for you, that it's, it is disrupting, you know, as in this circumstance, you know, your life and, and you need people to address that they're affecting you. That there is a really important part of the bitch that is essential for standing up for ourselves. And I feel that, you know, I agree with you, the delivery of a message is so key.

Heather [00:29:38]:

But to, you know, part of my personal journey is to not lose sight of when I need to be assertive and when I need to be adamant and even when I need to be angry. Because I've felt that the apologetic, people-pleasing conditioned girl can sometimes get society's applause for being what it wants us to be, which is complicit. The bitch gets her life back. The bitch gets what she wants out of life because she's able to say it. So that's why I love hearing people's responses to these words, because they do run so deep in how we present ourselves in the world and how we advocate for ourselves or others in the world. So thank you for sharing your moments of when you felt that bitch coming through.

Laura Jane Layton [00:30:41]:

So let me tell you another thing, though: we were talking about that voice. How many times in your life did someone raise their voice at you, and you tuned them out? And had they said, hey, I have this thing I want to talk to you about; let's chat, would it have changed your ability to listen to them? For me, someone's coming at me in anger. Not my problem. I don't, I kind of push it off. I kind of, ah, I walk away because I didn't create the anger. I didn't create that issue. I understand that there's this whoever in the world you want to be mad at, whether it's our governments or the next-door neighbor because they water your lawn or, you know, whatever you want to be angry at, that's okay.

Laura Jane Layton [00:31:43]:

You're not going to get it fixed unless you experience that because you're going to be complacent. But does the first time have to be aggressive? And if you know how mama dogs do it, the first time is an er; the second time is a grr. And the next time it's a physical, I'm going to put you down. I give myself the opportunity to try the er first.

Christopher [00:32:13]:

The thing is, though, even with the abbreviated short soft er, some people will interpret that the same way as the physical takedown. And we can't control that part.

Laura Jane Layton [00:32:29]:

That's their response. And you know, you can be the kindest person back to that word love and say something that triggers that person, and it wasn't meant that way. They're going to take it. You cannot change your delivery for everybody just because everybody's different. But you can try. If you know what their trigger points are, you can avoid them. And that's why we start with ourselves. We know our trigger points, and if you don't, you're going to find them out pretty soon.

Christopher [00:33:04]:

Definitely. Definitely. Laura, this has been truly enlightening. We've covered some really, some really fertile ground on this conversation. We really appreciate that. If your website, as you say, is a resource for other coaches to get their word out, we'd love to share that with our audience as well. So please go ahead.

Laura Jane Layton [00:33:30]:

Yes, I have two websites. I have larajanelayton.com and the larajanelaytonshow.com. One of them is just my podcast, and the other one is the coaching and the support, so they interact with one another. But you can find me, I'm only on LinkedIn. So, I don't do a lot of social media, but you can also find me there at Lara Jane Layton.

Christopher [00:33:56]:

Fantastic. Thank you so much for your time. We really appreciate what you do and how you do it.

Laura Jane Layton [00:34:05]:

And the dog noise.

Christopher [00:34:08]:

Nothing we can do about that. That's nature. Thank you so much.

And you have been listening to the.

Heather [00:34:17]:

The Virgin, 

Christopher

The Beauty

Heather

and the Bitch, in all of her forms.

Christopher [00:34:26]:

Find us. Like us. Share us, and then bring yourself on back. To become a partner in the VBB community, we invite you to find us@virginbeautybitch.com, like us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, and share us with people who are defiantly different - like you.

Until next time, thanks for listening.