VBB 13 Tasha Belix - Kids Today, Hurt!

Intro: Come on. Yeah, let's go. Oh, yeah, let's go. Hey, hey. Hey. Yo, come. Hey, hey, hey, Hey. Yo. Oh yeah. Hey, hey. Yo, let's go. Hey, yo,

Christopher: Time for the Virgin,

Heather: The Beauty, and the Bitch.

Christopher: Yes. I'm Christopher.

Heather: And I'm Heather. And you're listening to The Virgin of Beauty and the Bitch. Our podcast is Journey Into the Reformation of Feminine.

Heather: Yes. And today we have a special guest, a beautiful guest.

Tasha: Thank you.

Heather: Her name is Tasha Belix, and she is a registered psychologist with the Alberta College of Psychologists via the University of British Columbia. And a master's in counseling from the University of Chicago. That's

Tasha: That's Right, Yeah. I'm a counselor for ADAC.

Christopher: You have been a counselor for ADAC, the Alberta Alcohol and Drug Abuse Center, also with key community services, a youth worker for them. A Therapist, at Discovery House, Family Violence Prevention, and the Alex Youth Health Center, as well.

Tasha: Absolutely.

Christopher: And then you started your own practice in 2010.

Tasha: That’s right.

Christopher: ’Cause you have a passion for supporting girls and addiction, depression, anxiety, and trauma. And just last week, you started your own podcast.

Tasha: That is correct. Yeah.

Christopher: But we're not, we're not competition.

Tasha: We're not competition at all. No. We're all good with synergy.

Heather: Just making more of the good stuff. Absolutely. Yeah.

Christopher: So today, we just wanted to talk to you because our passion is, with the feminine as well, and that empowerment piece as well, it's something you do with girls at a very young age to get them situated correctly in their lives moving forward. So they have a great foundation to spring from to move forward in their lives.

Tasha: Absolutely.

Christopher: And, we love to hear about what you do, and what's important to you, and what's important in that world that you work in on a regular basis.

Tasha: Sure. I am gonna jump off a little bit of what you said. I think all my different roles I've been in supporting young people, and in lots of cases, I'm working with people who are really struggling in life, struggling with who they are, struggling with family issues, and really not feeling happy in this world, or settled in this world. After doing that for 20 years, really over the last few years, my focus is kind of pulled back, and I really am interested and incredibly passionate about preventative skills. And I think some of these discussions are around helping to build that inner voice within all of us. My practice specializes in girls, but it's for everybody, or however you fit along that gender continuum, is really the key to finding a healthy relationship with ourselves. Yes. And before we can have a healthy relationship with anyone else, it starts with who we are inside, and so that's, that's the piece that I know I'm gonna spend the rest of my career kind of focusing on.

Christopher: Now, you said 20 years. Now, what has changed over those 20 years, psychology-wise, with young girls? Have you seen a noticeable change at all over those years?

Tasha: Oh my gosh. So the real sad truth is that adolescent girls are really in a crisis. So when we know now in Canada, this isn't US statistics, this is Canadian statistics. By the time a teen girl graduates from high school, a third of them will have experienced depression, anxiety, drug use, self-harm, or developed an eating disorder. So this is, it's not a few kids that are struggling, it's really a really sad situation, and we've got such a cool country with so many resources, and it really stumps the medical profession, parents, school systems, even adolescents themselves.

Christopher: So what's going on there? Like, what is churning underneath all of this that is?

Tasha: I think it's lots of pieces altogether. There's no two ways about it. I mean, we're doing, sharing a message on a social media platform, but social media has really changed the way we grow into this world. When you think of us there, we're different ages here. I'm in my forties, and when I was an adolescent, if you had a tough day at school, you went home and you got to leave the shit that happened at school, and you came home and there was one phone in your kitchen that you had to share with your siblings and your parents. And you really got to sort of unplug from all the, all the not so nice stuff and kind of figure out who you were. Maybe sit on the couch and watch a TV show as a family.

Tasha: But now you don't get to escape that stuff. And so if things aren't going great at school, with the workload, with dynamics, with your friends, you come home, and that follows you. And not only does it just follow you to your bedroom, but you're being inundated with lots of really provocative visual material too. Nudes from friends, people sending dick pics. Like, this is all the time. It's all the time. Yeah. And so I'm seeing Chris's face just did a grimace, because it's a new world that our kids are living in. And so though that piece can't be ignored, I think what happens too is that lives are busy. So, you know, it takes a lot of two, usually two incomes, to be living in Calgary, or wherever you're living in the world nowadays. People are busy. They come home, it's a quick dinner, people are out to sports, and you just don't have the same time to sit, take a deep breath, look eye to eye with someone, and check in with how they're doing. And so there are a lot of young people who are kind of falling under the radar.

Heather: Being present with family.

Tasha: Hey. Like, really missing out on it.

Heather: Yeah. Yeah.

Tasha: To like, slow down enough to kind of check in, Hey, what's going on inside you, Yeah. What's going on today?

Heather: That's interesting. I was president of the Women in Leadership Club at the U of C, and a very open door policy with the young ladies and what they were going through. And, a huge piece of what was constantly coming to my door was expectations in relationships built off of, you know, mass media, but also the prevalence of pornography these days. And wanting the love and attention from their partner or boyfriend, girlfriend, what have you. and to get that love or that attention, and having to follow suit with what they're seeing in pornography or the mass media. And, you know, they said they're asking for this sort of sexual act or this part of my time, or it's pretty controlling about where I'm spending my time and who I'm spending it with. But if I wanna keep them, what do I do?  Do I bend on my values to keep this love connection? And, you know, my constant go-to is that you do not need to do anything that you're uncomfortable with. And if they have a problem with it, there are other people to share your time with, and your presence and your energy, and all that you bring to contribute to this world. Of course, easier said than done.

Tasha: Easier said than done for sure. But, but that's really the truth. We need to honor what our body tells us and make decisions from that gut instinct within us. That's where intuition is. It's where we have that moral compass and internal compass that says, This feels right for me, and This doesn’t. And I think where the bind is nowadays is sometimes we sacrifice how I really feel. So we push down what feels uncomfortable. This makes me feel dirty. I'm jealous that you're liking those pictures online, but I'm feeling this pull to be something that I'm not.

Christopher: Part of what you're saying, though, is there's a core value. When you talked about family, but coming home at the end of the day, and your family's there, there's only one phone. Any conversation that goes on that phone, the whole family knows about it. There’s  this tightness of family, this core that then can guide you when you feel off kilter or you feel pressure from outside, you have a family core there that guides you. That seems to have fractured.

Tasha: It has.

Heather: It has. Sometimes family values, especially for women, don't always have their, like, bear with me, don't always have the woman's personal interest at heart. It's like, oh, as a woman, you shouldn't be talking to that boy at night. Or as a woman, you shouldn't be dressing that way. Or as a woman, these sorts of careers are what you should be going for. So I've found in my experience working with women, that that choice piece that you were talking about so much from childhood to adolescence to young adult to adult, is how do we shape you to be what we want you to be, and the choice piece for women is lost. So when it comes to how do I talk about my boundaries with a partner, we've already been stripped of so much capacity to make our own choices. So I think that's one of the underlying themes.

Tasha: And that tags onto the piece that I had forgotten about was honoring what our needs are. So when you think of the choices that we don't even realize are choices that we can make, it really is a silencing, I think, of what our real needs are. Yes. And I think, I think that is a real failing of our world these days, is that women, and I'm gonna put it out there, I really think that women are raised differently. Treated differently. How we treat each other is often incredibly cruel and unkind.

Heather: I couldn't agree more. And it is absolutely horrible.

Tasha: And it doesn't change when you get older. I just, I can imagine. I just know moments when I've walked into the school grounds to pick my kids up. And there might be a group of moms who know each other really well, and they turn their backs on you. So you're still an adult with, you know, you kind of think, okay, I've got some, a healthy self-esteem here.  But very quickly, you go back into that little kid place where it feels like I just got left outta this circle. It's gross.

Speaker 2: Ladies, this is fantastic, 'cause I get to eavesdrop on

Heather: Why Chris really does the podcast.

Christopher: However, I know you're a guest speaker as well, and I know one of the topics you deal with is Queen Bees and wannabees. So this dynamic, then, of these, aggression versus timidity, et cetera, et cetera, does that play into what you're teaching these young girls at a very young age, is to not fall into that trap throughout their entire lives?

Tasha: That's the idea. Like in a very non-judgmental way. These are just some terms we're gonna throw around. What do you guys know? What does your body tell you? What kind of thoughts go through your head? What's your energy like when you're in a healthy friendship? Kids get that stuff. You don't have to say that's a queen bee when it doesn't feel like that. And what does it feel like when the friendship doesn't feel so good Oh, I, I, I hate it. I feel like I'm bossed around. I'm so tired, I have no energy at the end of the play date.  I feel like I'm not allowed to talk to that person. Or, so-and-so's not gonna like me. And so really having those discussions in the early elementary school years, I think, really by about grade three, four, or five, talking about some of this stuff.

Tasha: So kids get their kind of that radar up around and really making that choice again, what does, what does the inside of my body say about what I need in a healthy relationship? And to really encourage kids, you're gonna make lots of mistakes. And really good girls are still mean sometimes, but what are we gonna do about it, and making, deciding to make a choice about who you wanna align with. And so over and over again, it's easy to have lots of, not very deep friendships, but what we know is if you have five or less really good friends, like you can count them on one hand, you're pretty blessed in this world, but it's having deep, rich relationships instead of 350 Facebook friends, that's lonely.

Christopher: That's pressure, though. I mean, that's the pressure of our social world right now, is that how many friends do you have versus me?

Tahsa: And how many likes did you get on your Facebook page last night

Heahter: Exactly. Is that such a phenomenon, actually, this whole, you know, concept of having one's own audience? And how likable am I?  I think that really, this is what I'm hearing between all of us, is this key piece of what do I need to do to be liked, and that's on social media. And also, you know, in our interpersonal, face-to-face lives, not FaceTime, but face-to-face.

Speaker 4: Yeah. Face-to-face. Yeah, and that, that often it does come at a loss to staying true to one's values.

Heather: So, just admire the work that you're doing to change those sort of predispositions into deep, meaningful connections as very fulfilling rather than ever fleeting like, the next thing that we can ingest as a society.

Christopher: Something I did not introduce about you, and have listed your academics, qualifications, and so on. But you're also a mother.

Tasha: Yes, of three lovely girls. Girls. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Christopher: So, so this is real, real time. We're talking real time here.

Tasha: This is real time. So, I would say right off the bat, people always wanna know, are my kids perfect? No.

Heather: Yeah. Who

Tasha: Do my kids tell me everything? No. But in my practice, I really meet parents where they're at, because when you have a little baby that pops into this world, you cannot help but wanna see them make good choices and be happy, productive people. And it's a real grief and really sad and scary when kids are struggling. And like I was saying before, there are a lot of young girls who are struggling. And so, I am very passionate about what I do because I feel every family that I meet, I'm kind of like, I'm helping my own kids in a way. Or my friends' kids. Because they're, they're really pretty high-functioning, loving parents. Like really, quite honestly, they're finding that they've got these amazing perfectionist little girls that are really spiraling inward and really struggling.

Heather: This perfectionism piece I think is also very important because, I mean, a lot of us know how airbrushed the mass media's images are. Images are of women. And even though we know these things, how that still translate into the expectations we put on ourselves? Not just physically, but, oh, she's, you know, talking more into adulthood, but she's a better girlfriend, a better mother. This comparison between women constantly makes us feel inadequate. I think it spurs how horrible women can be to each other, and the lack of wanting to confront, confront it within ourselves. These, these thoughts that start to permeate, or infiltrate,

Tasha: They become the truth because it, what we think we start to believe in, and the more we practice that pattern over and over again, it becomes our reality. Yeah.

Heather: We feed it.

Tasha: We feed it, and so we really, it's really hard to kind of take a step back and go stop comparing yourself to the person on the front of that cover. Exactly. They've been airbrushed. Their boobs are augmented. Yeah. It's fake.

Heather: It's fake, but it's really hard to get your head around that. It's very hard.

Tasha: There's some research that has looked at the self-esteem of adolescents, and so even by age 13, so up until then, girls typically are quite effervescent, bubbly, willing to risk wearing, you know, their ballet tutu with gumbo, and they're rocking it. Yeah. Like, like really, right? Yeah. When it's dress-up day, they're goofing off, and then something happens at age 13. And so for over 60% of girls, their self-esteem takes a huge plummet. They start cutting themselves out of activities because of the way their body looks, and wishing that they were, they had, they would be happier if they were skinnier. And a lot of really scary stuff where you're like, what goes on in that early adolescence that not, does that?

Christopher: Not aligned perfectly with puberty.

Tasha: It does. Yeah. And what the expectations are now, I'm 13, I might have boobs. Ooh. I have to jump into being that sexual being that I see on the covers, or that I've had pictures sent to me on my phone, even at my young age, that tells me that's who I need to be. But actually, I'm still that goofy little kid who likes to wear jammies and have sleepovers in her mom and dad's bed. Yeah. But I have to give away that little kid's stuff to be accepted in this new adolescent role. And it, it's, it's bullshit. It's, and it's not, that's not how development works. It doesn't happen overnight. No. It happens over months and gradually. And that shortening of that early adolescence is another piece that really scares me because, it's, we're missing some really important pieces. Adolescence is really about who am I? And if we go from being that goofy little girl to a sexy girl, we haven't figured out who we are.

Heather: No way. So many other pieces. Zero

Tasha: Between that self-discovery in there.

Heather: And the thought of, you know, especially at 13 and with puberty, as Chris is saying, that whole, oh my gosh, I like this boy. Or I like this girl. What the heck are they thinking about me? How do I make myself that likable image that I see constantly?  To be an object of interest for that person that I'm also getting all these interesting new feelings over? And that's a dangerous piece. 'Cause it's like, how much am I gonna mold myself into what someone else wants me to be, or what I perceive society wants me to be? And, as Chris and I have touched on this before, for either attention, but more, more deeply that, that love connection,

Tasha: Which we all need. Which we all need.

Tasha: It's, it's a core need for everyone to feel belonging and connection with another person. Mm-Hmm. . So you can find that in lots of ways. It can be really beautiful and be something that fills you up. Or it could be something that leaves you really devastated and super duper empty.

Christopher: It’s such a fragile time of life. 'Cause you are just, you want to know yourself, and you want the world to accept you. These two can be two conflicting drives in a person at any given time. And that age where you don't have the experience, where do you go, what direction do you go in?

Tasha: You look to your friends, you look online, you look to what your teachers are saying, and the overriding message that's going that girls are hearing a lot nowadays is I need to be perfect. I need to be beautiful. I need to be exceptional at the sporter activities I do. I need to be incredibly kind to everyone, and I cannot be a bitch. Right. Good luck getting needs met. If you have to be perfect and happy all the time.

Tasha: 100%, it's not human. 

Tasha: And you're setting yourself up for any little failure to be literally devastating to the core. Yeah. I saw a really great little meme the other day, which I think is important for girls and everyone. But it was like, what, most people think about success, and it's just a kind of two-pronged image of failure and then success. But then what successful people know about success and its fail, fail, fail, fail, fail. Success. . Yeah. Right. I would say fail: Small depression, tears, self-doubt. Yeah. And then you, perseverance. And then, okay, we're gonna be resilient. We're gonna rise up. What did I learn? What can I apply next time, and how do we move forward?

Tasha: Or if you're like me, you make the same mistake many, many times, and then you figure it out. 

Heather: I'm with you, girl, I'm with you there .

Tasha: And then people are like, oh, you made that mistake again. I'm like, shit. It's, it's hard. My insecurity is showing. Yeah. Yeah.

Heather: So, for parents, how are they to wrap their heads around this when they are so preoccupied with just making a home for that child? Right. Bringing home the bacon, keeping the roof over the head. How, how, how do they navigate through all this?

Tasha: I think with being, having really honest conversations about the realities of what it's like growing up today. And it's not good enough to say, I remember what it was like when I was 13. Yeah. Because it's very different. It's a very different world. But finding time and making it a priority in your life to kind of collect your little kiddos up. And I'm saying, kiddos, that's anyone under the age of 18, your kiddo might be 25, right, living in your basement, they're still your kiddo.  But we find a friendly way of kind of pulling them into our orbit. So we wanna do all those things that we did, we do with little babies, healthy attachment stuff, sit down with 'em, share a cup of tea, talk about what's going on in the news, or how offended you were by this billboard that you drove past. Mm. I saw one on Glenmore Trail. My kids go, Ew, those girls look like prostitutes. And it was for cowboys, a nightclub with ginormous fake boobs popping outta their shirts. And I'm like, well, they aren't, but yeah, they're selling sex, right? And they're like, that's so gross. And I'm like, yeah, I'm raising some pretty vocal little ladies. But it's, it's slowing things down before we just take all the images and the words that we hear and just eat them without any sort of consciousness. Right. Like a critical lens. Yeah. Let's slow it down and really see what we're eating . Yeah. And what do we wanna throw out, and what do we wanna, and what do we wanna keep?

Christopher: And I do wanna be careful as well, because I think an important piece of our name, and we've talked already on the bitch, right? And also, beauty. But for the virgin and women's sexuality?

Tahsa: I'm very cautious around the shaming of a woman's sexuality. So these girls who wanna put their boobs out there and be very sexual beings, that if they have really checked in with self and have awesome un and understood that this is how they're portraying themselves and how they're being perceived, but that's what they align with in their values, that's their choice to make. Absolutely. You know what I mean? And to not shame them for it, because there's so much shame around women's sexuality. And when we talk about, you know, how to embrace your sense of self, I think that that's such a huge component that we've felt guilty over for so long, and that transitions into not wanting to talk about sex, not being able to express our boundaries when we're with a sexual partner. It just seems the more shame that we put around it, the less we have these open dialogues with parents. We feel that taboo that has existed and still exists in every corner of our planet. So it's something that I just like to bring a little bit of light onto. No,

Heather: I totally agree with you. We've talked on that topic before, the pressure of if you, if this is the road you wanted to walk. You need to understand the ramifications around that. And if you can handle it, go for it.

Tasha: Absolutely. If you can handle It, go for it. And I, I would, I would agree with that, in terms of, if, if it's coming from a place of like authenticity and who you really are, who that is one hot chick. We're talking about rights. That’s powerful.

Tasha: Yeah. And, so if that's who you are in this world, there may be people that don't, don't perceive you in the way that they might put labels on you, but if at your core you're solid with who you are, those labels don't stick to you. Exactly. That’s not someone who's feeling crappy about themselves. That's someone like, that's your choice. I'm empowered, and I'm actually feeling really fricking awesome about awesome. About who I am. That is who I would love every woman to grow into those shoes.

Tasha: But context is so important, rather than it being, I'm doing this, 'cause what we were saying before, I feel this is the point of self that society values the most, is her sexuality. Very different sense of self that you're coming from than I'm a sexual being. This is something that matters to me, and I feel good about it. And I think that, you know, it's, it's easy to say that, but where the line is, and of course it's, it's completely meshed between societal expectations, personal, familial, peer, and really what's coming from within.

Tasha: And it takes years to really develop that kind of inner strength. Totally. It's not something that you can figure out when you're 13 or 14. No. Wouldn't it be neat, though, if you got to be 18 years old and really own who you are? Knew what your needs were, were. Saying that crossed a line for me. Yes. And really, when you think of owning that inner bitch, it’s, it's speaking up for what your body tells you is right and wrong.  And if you being able to say no, and we call it a bitch, but I actually think it's just being strong . 

Heather: Yeah, I totally agree with that.

Christopher: Our version of what bitch is, is not what the world thinks. So how it perceives that it's a strength's how we see.

Heather: How did you say it, Chris? It's the?

Christopher: It’s just basically you taking your own power and gaining respect for yourself and taking that into the world. And whatever the world says about it, it doesn't matter.  Like you said, I own what I am, and who I am, and what I'm bringing to the world. I don't care what you think about that or what words you put to it.

Heather: I love it, but the label doesn't define me. 

Tasha: Exactly. Right. Neat. Yeah. There's a really cool book that's called Getting In Touch With Your Inner Bitch. And it's very much about learning, taking that power from within. And it's a real strength. And so the bitch piece is really, it's something that you wanna raise your hands up and show down. Absolutely.

Christopher: Yes. It's you taking yourself into the world, not the world shaping you. 

Heather:  Exactly. You taking

Christopher: Yourself out there. Yeah. We love that word.

Heather: Yeah. I think that on our website, we have somewhere around the lines of the label being like the ramifications of saying no, as the same perception around the negative connotations. And that is a word that I've struggled with when I was in university. And, you know, you hear the reclamation of the word with, you know, being a bad bitch. , which I find really interesting. That's bitch face. Yeah, exactly. just normal bitch face.

Christopher: Okay. It's getting dangerous in here for me to see the different ways that it's labeled, 'cause I think it does help create the space that we all need to not let labels run our sense of self.

Christopher: However, you have to have that foundation within yourself first that comes first, and I believe the work that you do is being able to instill that within a young child, a young girl. The language is different.

Tasha: When I'm working with kids, like ladies, we're gonna learn about their inner pitch . I wouldn't be like that. They're like, woo woo. You just said a rude word, but it might be more around. It's important to be kind, but we don't always wanna be kind to everyone else if it comes at the cost of not being kind to ourselves. So well said. That's walking the line. If you are being kind to yourself and being honest about how you feel, you’re not a mean girl. You're actually, you're kind of being the nicest girl that you could possibly be, and that's the piece that I want girls to grow is that exactly. Checking in with yourself, number one, instead of checking in with how you feel first, and then I'll decide whether I can be honest with you or not. That's not so good. No. center with self first. Yeah. As a way of getting your needs met in relationships throughout your whole life.

Christopher: You have another course here that you speak about, the five love languages. Yeah. Of teens. I, that really excites me. That's really cool. If anyone's read the book by Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages, yes. Breaking it down for teens. Can you tell us a little bit more about how you?

Tasha: Sure. I think, I think this is, a neat piece for teens to know about themselves is very empowering, if you know, what, what speaks to you the most deeply And so the Chapman's kind of, philosophy around this is that there are five core love languages, and we each have one, one kind of language or vocabulary that speaks to our heart and to our core, the deepest and the quickest. So for some people, it's physical touch. So a hand on a shoulder, a hug that says, Ugh, like you would get me and I'm loved. For other people, it might be words of affirmation. So, actually noticing something neat that they did to contribute to the house, or, wow, you came in the door today looking so excited. Like, wow, that's so cool. Yeah. Just noticing something neat, like, you see and hear what it's like being me. Another one might be, believe it or not, gifts. And so that's one where I kind of go cringe. Yeah. , you know, for some people. So, and it's, it's the thought that someone has, right? You're in their orbit when they're going shopping, and so when they present it to you, it's not just the ring or the card that I've been given, it's the fact that you were thinking about me the whole time. And that gift speaks so hugely to me. For other people, it might be, I need to think through these off the top of my head. What,

Christopher: What, acts of service? Right?

Tasha: Acts of service. Yeah. So that would be like driving back and forth to your ballet class, making a nice lunch, and leaving it in the fridge. Certainly, it's a big one. Nice little gestures. Mm-Hmm. and time. And then for some people it's one-to-one time. I would say for the majority of young people that I meet, you cannot. It's one-to-one time really is a thing that fills 'em up the most. So you could have parents who can shower nice words on them, give them a quick little tussle of the hair, and that's okay. That's still speaking the love language, but it's not the vocabulary I speak the most clearly. What I need is to sit down with you. I need to play cards with you. I need to share a cup of tea. I need to watch a movie with you.

Tasha: It's you cutting space out of your life because of me that makes me feel the most full. And so, those are sort of the love languages of teens. You can be very creative in how you do all this stuff. I often, if you know, physical touch is a really big love language for teenagers. Not everyone wants to sit and cuddle their mom and get a hug anymore. So you might honestly give your kid a little love lick, like a little punch in the shoulder when they walk down the hallway, or like, kind of a little, like a jab at the dinner table.

Tasha: Or challenge them to a thumb war because you know that when you're touching them skin to skin. That, that's lighting up their attachment center. Mm-Hmm. And if my cup feels full, I'm gonna go from a place of feeling good about myself. I'm gonna make way better choices in life. Absolutely. But if my cup is empty and I need physical touch to feel love, it's very easy to find it. And not in ways that are gonna pull the plug outta that bathtub and leave your cup far emptier here than ever trained.

Tasha:  And so, I guess the last little piece to keep in mind, as well as the parent, we often, and even when we think of intimate partners, we don't usually pick people with the same love language as us. So if I'm someone who really needs words of affirmation, I might give that, that's my primary love language. That's what I'm gonna shower on other people. But if their love language is physical touch, we're not speaking the same language. Not connecting. Disconnect, connect. Yeah. Yeah. It's neat. You can go online and do a little survey on it and figure out what your primary love language is and make guesses about your kids, but you really wanna be thinking about what is gonna fill them up and doing the language that fills 'em up the most. Mm-Hmm. And it might be really uncomfortable for you at first, 'cause it may not be. It's like a foreign language. Teachable though. Teachable. You stumble through it because you're doing it for someone that you really care about.

Heather: Exactly. Yes. Wow.

Christopher: It’s really, that's so cool.

Tasha: Yeah. It's kind of cool. So what do you guys think your love language would be? What rocks you the most?

Christopher: No, I've, I've read the book. I've read his book, and I did take the test. What was my, I think, touch, physical touch is mine. Yeah. Yeah.

Heather: Just where history and most of our globe is today, with women taking on the majority of domestic sphere responsibilities, acts of service are a big one to me. So that making dinner, making lunches like that, that feeding and nourishing, through those sorts, or types of service or taking the kids to whatever, or helping me get to an appointment, what have you. That’s a big one. A really good that’s yours, or cleaning. Cleaning for me, I love watching people clean for me, it’s the best one.

Tasha:  Me, and I would think, you know what mine is, acts of service as well. That's right. I think that it's changed with time. But it's so funny, like, I would be like, oh, the fricking horniest thing would be if my husband emptied the dishwasher.

Heather: Right Ugh. It's counters. Like, no.

Tahsa: And loaded it and wiped the counters.

Heather: There you go. The full meal deal. Done right there. Hey. I'm like, okay, I'm good to go. I'm good to go.

Tasha: This is so hot. This is so hot.

Heather: Yeah, so, so.

Tasha: It's well worth figuring out people's love languages because there are lots of pluses in relationships.

Heahter: Definitely.

Tasha: And not, not that it's just equals sex, but you get your love language met as well. So my husband's is physical touch, so I think it's kind of win-win.

Christopher: When the dishwasher is empty.

Heather: We like win-win. Exactly.

Tasha: Richard! Get in there!

Heather: Send me dirty texts of how you're cleaning dishes. Get me hot on my ride home. It's great. So, so true though. I've seen some really cute little comic strips on that, with the man in a relationship doing a lot of that. And, you know, the woman just, oh, those look really clean. Yeah.

Tasha: But it's simple. When you break it down to those core love languages, it's not a head scratcher. It's really like, we fight about this disconnect all the time. And it could really be as easy as me unloading the dishwasher. Or even when we think of our teenagers, there's often a lot of conflict that happens with teenagers. They're pulling away from their families.

Heather: Rebelling a bit

Tasha: That can happen.

Heather: Creating their own identity.

Tasha: And so, even a way to bypass a lot of that conflict is to speak their love language. So if they're someone that needs words of affirmation, if you send them a neat little text in the morning, or kiddo, I know I'm late at work tonight, but I just wanted you to know that I'm, you know, so proud that you're my son. A little note beside their dinner that they get to microwave or whatever it might be, that's keeping that relationship strong. So you're less likely to get into conflict when they, or when you walk in the door, just don't put it anywhere where my friends will see it. Okay. Mom, .

Heather: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. I like seeing it, but I need to be, you know, my own independent little person. Don't honk when you drop me at school.  I still have to tell my mom that when she drops me off. Hi honey. Oh my God. Not cool.

Christopher: Question for you. The concept of a parent being a friend or a parent. How do those two, in your experience, where does that relationship actually thrive the most? Is it a parent going full on friend, like peer to peer, or is it maintaining that adult authority piece

Tasha: I think it's a, that's a really clear answer. Parents have to be parents. We need to have someone that we look up to, who is our leader, who helps take care of us, and to whom we can bring our big feelings. So, when I say big feelings, it's our sadness, it's our anger, it's the things that really scare us. We have to be able to, that's what mom and dad's job is. You've got big shoulders. I need to bring you my big stuff to sort it out. There gets to be a real bind for kids. And it's incredibly stressful. And developmentally actually puts, like, it's a real, puts 'em in crisis mode. If the roles are reversed. So if mom or dad is bringing their scared fear, anger to the child to be there, like to be the one to take care of them.

Tasha: And so it doesn't mean that you don't share truths about who you are and have important dialogues with your kids, but friends are on the same plane. And we actually, where I think things go quite sideways with families, is when the parent has abdicated their role as leader of the house and is now a friend, 'cause that just actually doesn't work. There's a reason why kids live with their moms and dads until they're 18 years old. It's because they're not really ready to do it by themselves. They need a leader. Yes, and so you can step into that leadership role in a really kind, loving way. It doesn't mean that you're a jerk and really punitive, and it doesn't mean that you're not friendly, but by no means are you your kid's friend. So you're not supplying them with alcohol because you want them to think it's fun to drink with you. I mean, I understand that’s an extreme example, but there are a lot of those happening with parents nowadays that can fall into that permissive place where they're sort of wise parenting brain goes out the window. I think on some level, they're like, this doesn't feel right, but we're here. What are we going to do about it

Heather: How did we get here?

Tasha: How did we get here, but over and over again, I mean, I used to, I used to actually go into Calgary remand and teach a parenting course to women that were incarcerated and asking those women, what did you need from your parents that you didn't get I'm talking a hundred percent of them time and time again would say, I didn't need a friend, I didn't need someone to smoke dope with me. I actually needed my mom to tell me it was bedtime and to go to sleep because I had school the next day. So.

Heather: That discipline.

Tasha: Discipline, I think, I think that authoritative kind of parent, actually, and we know from how kids pop out the other end of it that those are the parents that actually raise the healthiest kids.

Heather: I think that it really does stem from, you know, when you have that discipline and the structure, you've acquired those skills for adulthood, for regulating your own discipline, your self-discipline. You've learned some of the key pieces along the way rather than, oh, well, I'm just gonna stay up and smoke dope, dope every night, or what have you. Right.

Tasha: Yeah.

Christopher: So a lot of it comes out of basic insecurity of that parent needing the love of their child for whatever reason. Is a lot of that, sometimes guilt? I mean, not being able to spend as much time as society says you should be spending with your child, and now you overcompensate in other ways by basically allowing your child free rein.

Tasha: That could be, that could be part of it. It could, it could also be part of just that parent, the reaction to how they grew up might have been very strict, and they know that I don't wanna be that parent. I don't wanna be the person that my kids never wanna talk to, and then it slides into that friendship role. I think often what I tell parents and families is mom and dad, or however your family is set up, that partnership needs, that's where you bring your emotional stuff. So I'm saying, mom and dad, it could be, you know, mom, it's partners, whatever. But that at the end of the day, I have a place where I can take my own fears and the things I'm worried about, and am I being an okay mom by telling my kid that they can't drink in my house You're taking that to your partner who gets to hold you, who gets to say, we're gonna get through this together so that you, you're bouncing some of that stuff off someone else. And so you, as a team, get to be really awesome parents together. So that it doesn't get kind of soupy and kind of mixed up. And in terms of that, there is really strict role differentiation.

Christopher: The do you, oh, sorry.

Heather: Do you have, recommendations for parents who are single parents

Chrisstopher: Sure. My question. Exactly. Yeah.

Tasha: Well, no one, it's really true. I mean, half of families now will end in divorce, right? So there are a lot of single parents out there, and I think for a single parent, no, and especially if you're that primary caregiver, your child needs you to be the healthiest parent you can be, and they need you to be firm and loving at the same time. And so get outside, help , go talk to a counselor, connect with good friends, bounce ideas off your own mom and dad. Having a healthy support system is what really helps parents grow into fantastic parents. And I, I see over and over again, I mean, I'm a mom with adolescent kids as well, is adolescent raising adolescents is tough. And I would encourage anyone to reach out to their support system to talk about the ups and downs of it. So that as a collective, you're kind of figuring out what feels right for you. And we've never raised teenagers in 2017, when we look forward to the next year. So as things change and evolve, we need to change our parenting to go along with it. So talk with other parents about it.

Heather: I think that's so key is like, you talked about a team with your partner, and what I'm hearing you say now is to find ways to make a different team if you're a single parent. Right.

Tasha: You need it. Yeah. We weren't meant to do things on our own. We're humans and we're, we're group animals.

Heather: And sometimes that is really just one person that you trust their opinion and their values because, you know, first a single mom, my mom was a single mom. You're working, you're giving the primary care, you're helping with homework. You know, finding time to make a team seems a little daunting, but just that one, it's just starting with one person, you know, not to say that that's as well-rounded, but one person is good.

Tasha: Yeah. When we think back to how many friends do you need?  It’s they fit on one hand, so having one person to bounce ideas off can make you more, you're not alone, resolved in or resolving your, in your decisions, and give you that confidence, like, no, darn it, you're coming home at 11 o'clock. Yeah, that's right. Like, I'm not gonna be bossed around by you .

Heather: I, because I said so because I said so.

Tasha: And so, there are a couple of neat things that I think are worth mentioning. We know kids, regardless of what family they grow up in, if they have a relationship with one mentor in their life that's positive, they actually do okay. You need one person to look up to, so even if it's not within your home and you get it at school or through your church or community center, you're gonna do okay.

Heather: That's very, and I think, very uplifting.

Tasha: It's, it's the same to think about when we're, when we're adults, we need that one person that we, that we lean on. Something that I think goes along with some of the shame that girls might face today, with the images that they see. I think there's tons of shame that men walk around with, in terms of, or not, I don't know if I'd call it shame, but they might look angry on the outside, but actually inside they're really lonely, really sad, but our world doesn't really let guys show, we'll connect and show their emotional stuff. And that, that is equally something that I'm as passionate about when I think of growing girls to show their anger. I'm equally passionate when it comes to letting men and boys show their more vulnerable, sad side of themselves because we get our needs met when we are actually honest with how we feel, which tells us what we need. If I look angry all the time, but inside, I'm actually really sad, no one's ever gonna reach out to me and give me a hug. Yeah. But that might be what you need. Exactly what I need and some of the, some of the most angry, really, truly scary young men that I've ever met have been the saddest people I've ever met.

Christopher: In my mind, I have a philosophy that there is no such thing as the opposite to love. I think of everything as love, even hate is an attempt to achieve and find love. It's all this grind towards finding love, the satisfaction, and not getting it. That's where we act out how it's an act to get love.

Tasha: Yeah, and connection. So that hate might be the barrier. Yeah. Because it's protecting me from actually feeling my heart. I get to throw that emotion out outside of me inside. Yeah. It’s a protective mechanism that socially sanctions for men, as anger. You know, that's the one emotion that's like, okay, my friends will not make fun of me for this, but I can still have an emotion that I'm expressing, and that there could be a level of connection between guy friends over that. Have you ever seen the documentary on the misrepresentation, folks? I've gotta see it. Y

Heather: I've seen misrepresentation. Yeah. But I haven't seen you love it. 

Tasha: You gotta see it. It’s on Netflix. It's so good. It's, I believe it's called The Mask You Hide Behind, and it speaks so much to what you're saying. That's where society paints girls into one image. You know, boys are painted into another image.

Heather: And, I think it really speaks to what is at the heart of this podcast, and what a lot of wonderful people are working on is noticing the feminine and masculine energies within all of us. And that, as Chris and I have discussed, and I'm sure you have too, how we classify feminine masculine is arbitrary in some ways, and can be pinpointed in others, but however you've defined it, to be able to accept those different parts of self as means to make that connection, and to feel okay doing that.

Christopher: We really want to thank you for taking time out.

Tasha: For sure.

Christopher: To come out and share with us.

Tasha: I feel, I feel so inspired. Like I need to go walk on the streets and like get social change going. Yeah.

Heather: We'll be right there with you with some sort of poster.

Christopher: How does a person get in touch with your services

Tasha: I think usually just through my website. Yeah. Which is just my name, Tashabelix.com.

Christopher: Fabulous. Wonderful. Fabulous.

Tasha: Yeah, I'm always open to feedback. I write a blog, and I love having people ask me hard questions..

Christopher: Beautiful; Fantastic.

Heather: We'll do that.

Christopher: We're so, so happy to have you. 'Cause as we said, this is a message we want to move forward. And to have someone who has such experience in that field, we're totally thankful that you gave us your time.

Heather: Absolutely. It's, yeah. It's a

Tasha: It's been a pleasure. Thank you.

Heather: Oh, thank you so much for joining us. And as you said before, taking time out to share with us. It means a lot. Thank you, it was awesome.

Christopher: So that's the end of our show for this week. I'm Christopher.

Heather: And I'm Heather.

Christopher: And you're listening to The Virgin, the Beauty

Heather: And the Bitch.

Extro: Yeah. Come on. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Come on. Uh.